So, we have reached the conclusion of round one of the 2010 World Cup. There have been controversies galore, upsets aplenty and England playing predictably shit. But what have we learned?...
1) If I had a choice between the sound of an orphanage burning down and that of the vuvuzela, the kiddies might want to check for the nearest exit.
2) World Cup referees are joyless, power-hungry, pedantic little nazi thugs who obviously get off on ruining everyone else's good time. Kaka, Berahmi, the entire US team, and especially Tim Cahill, should have no hesitation in fire-bombing the swine's houses.
3) Wayne Rooney, despite claiming otherwise, will always be a petulant little twat. I wouldn't mind if he hadn't resembled a drunken, one-legged donkey for most of the tournament thus far.
4) Argentina and Chile have, by some distance, been my favourite teams to watch. It's nice to see teams play with a bit of guile, invention and most of all, FUN! Bravo chaps.
5) The Jubulani ball is quite obviously as useful as a wet turd, as proven by the lack of quality goals. Fifa take note...making a ball lighter does not make it better.
6) According to a number of players, the latest development in human evolution is that the chest is now apparently directly connected to the very sensitive "face muscle" and upon impact causes an instant collapse to the floor and unbearable facial cramping. The only cure for this ailment is the sight of a red card.
7) Whereas Brazil, in World Cups past, used to have an air of otherworldly magic about them (particularly for me in 1994), now they just resemble another European team. Shame really.
8) Diego Maradona is a one-man entertainment machine. He was as a player, he was as a drug abuser, and now he's excelling himself as a manager. I'm not ashamed to say I love him. Oh and Lionel Messi, who is a genius.
9) Landon Donovan, already one of the most annoying humans alive (for reasons I can't quite put my finger on), essentially put England out of the tournament with his last-gasp winner against Algeria. Our path to the cup now consists of (assuming all teams who should win, do) Germany, Argentina, Spain and Brazil. Thanks a lot baldie!
10) Italy's demise was fun, that's a given. But nothing was more fun than watching the French team's implosion...you really can't write that stuff.
On to the last 16.
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