Some Midweek Hilarity

Steve Coogan's "Richard Gere" is spot on. Enjoy...

JB.

Making Movies

Finally the dust settles, the dawn rises and I am back on a regular sleeping schedule. The end result of which is that I have my second (however, as I quickly found out, really my first) film "in the can"....well, for the most part at least. The entire process has been nothing short of the most knackering, stressful, exhilarating and ultimately rewarding times I've had on this planet and not without many, many lessons along the way.

It begins of course with pre-production. A nightmare from start to finish. Made especially more arduous when taking on the role of writer, director, actor, producer, casting director and, in this case, production designer (not my forte, friends, let me tell you). So after months of assembling a crew, then seeing almost every British actor in Los Angeles, and spending hours upon hours trawling through mega-malls wondering "what would a psychotic girlfriend's bedroom look like?" it was finally time to begin shooting.

Now, as previously mentioned, I had shot a film prior to this. However that effort, valiant as I believe it was, matters not one bit when all of a sudden you're at the helm of a 12-man crew working in an extremely tight borrowed location on a shoestring budget with the clock ticking ominously against you the entire time. Essentially this is the time to shit your pants, dive in and swim. Within hours, we were already hours behind schedule. Things were not going as planned. My stress levels were only heightened when we managed to fall even further behind schedule after lunch. I could almost feel the weight of the world sitting directly on my chest, like a playground bully, teasing, gloating at me "you're ballsing this up, big nose".

So of course after a day of keeping everyone behind for two hours more than they were paid to do, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Suffice to say that not a moment's rest was had. And I do mean literally....not one second of sleep occurred that night.

The saving grace of our first day of shooting was the absolute joy I felt watching our actors go to work. At the risk of gushing, it's moments like that which make it all worth while. Moments where not only does the drivel that you wrote come alive, but it actually has a beating heart right at the centre of it, for all to see. This may seem like the ramblings of a mad man to an outsider, but being part of it is something I'll cherish forever and, in the grand scheme of things that make me smile, is quite a feeling to behold.

So after fretting around my house all night it was on to Day 2. Something had to give...otherwise we were just simply not going to get all the footage I need and I'd be left with no film and rifle at the ready. So, we went to work, and went to work quick. I referred back to the old Robert Rodriguez style of shooting, which I'm pretty sure gave our lighting crew a semi-heart attack, and we began regaining our schedule back at some pace. I could barely breathe it was all moving so fast. However, at the end of it all, I had my film (save one scene which was just one step too far for that weekend). We wrapped our production at 10pm, by which time I had been awake for some fifty-odd hours. However the fun was not over yet. I now had the task of cleaning the apartment we were graciously lent. An act which took me through to 5am. The highlight of that time being, in a state of extreme exhaustion, locking my car keys in the boot and having to call someone out to break into my vehicle. Oh the hilarity.

All in all, things went well. Of course it didn't go to plan, these things never seem to, but what I learned in those two days is almost unquantifiable (if that's a word?) and the colossal wave of creative satisfaction one feels when reaching the end of the road is simply the greatest thing I've experienced. Now comes the task of shooting any pick-ups we need (mostly minor inserts, or 'show-off' shots) and getting our last scene in the bag. Then of course comes the editing, promoting, dealing with sound issues etc etc etc.

However, when all is said and done, the entire thing was beyond my wildest expectations and, for all the rambling I seem to be doing here, I honestly couldn't begin to find the appropriate words to express my gratitude to everyone involved.

Much love,

John.

Lyrics To Live By:

"But I learned fast how to keep my head up

'Cos I know I got this side of me

that wants to grab the yoke from the pilot

and just fly the whole mess into the sea"

"Young Pilgrims" by The Shins

A quick check-in...

When driving back from San Francisco, I almost got pulled over for singing this song a bit too aggressively out of my window. I suggest you all try it sometime:

Shooting a film this weekend. On Monday I will have a full and frank report (so sit tight Ad and Dan).

Peace,

Juan.

Dialogue of the Day

"Is it so terribly inconceivable to comprehend God with one's senses? Why does he hide in a cloud of half-promises and unseen miracles? How can we believe in the faithful when we lack faith? What will happen to us who want to believe, but cannot? What about those who neither want to nor can believe? Why can't I kill God in me? Why does he live on in me in a humiliating way - despite my wanting to evict Him from my heart? Why is He, despite all, a mocking reality I can't be rid of?"

From Ingmar Bergman's "The Seventh Seal" (1957)

Back

After weeks of national, and indeed global, unrest - culminating in rioting, occupying of neighbourhoods and general disarray (see below pic) - I have finally caved in and written a new blog post. This madness must end.

Right, so I've been awfully busy lately. Firstly, I managed to snag my first ever national TV commercial. As seems to be the case in this industry, I ended up reading for about four different parts before finally getting the call putting me "on avail". If there is more pointless exercise than being put on avail, then I've yet to find it. In essence, you have "passed" the audition phase of the process, but haven't booked the job. In fact, apparently, the chances are that you haven't booked the job. Now I'm no expert but I think I see a way around this problem...hows about you just call when I have booked the f**king job and we'll eradicate the three days I'll spend pacing around gnawing at my fingernails. Everyone's happy.

Anyway, as luck would have it, I did in this case get the job. Muchos celebratos. As for the shoot itself, it was fantastic. Got to shoot for two entire days with a colossal crew, the size of which I never thought I'd see. All lovely, lovely people too. Day one consisted solely of us knobbing around on a golf course, vaguely aware that somewhere a camera was rolling. Marvelous fun. Day two consisted of much the same, but in a swanky Century City hotel. All in all it was a fabulous experience. The only downside being that I was dressed like an absolute pillock throughout the shoot, including a truly shite pair of glasses which were far too small for my face. However, I care about that not one bit. All part of the job isn't it. Speaking of which, we're not home and dry yet as far as getting paid goes. There is of course the chance that this thing will air, and air lots, and air for a long time and become a career boosting cash-cow for moi. By the same token, it could never air and I'll be as destitute as before. Fingers crossed for the former my friends. Fingers crossed.

The other thing keeping me busier than a fly's gag reflex is my second short film. For this one I have decided to actually hire a crew, actors and locations etc. By which I mean, we're trying to make an actual film, as opposed to me running around with a camera in one hand, boom mic in the other. Early on in the process I decided not to hire a producer. What a mistake. Because friends, I have been doing the producing side of things, as well as location scouting, as well as art direction, as well as casting, and frankly, it's a bloody lot of work. Not that I mind...I'd rather work all hours of the day doing something I love than spend 10 minutes back in 'construction management'...it's just a wee bit stressful. Still, I have now managed to assemble a crack team of talented individuals and I'm convinced this should be a good little flick. Of course the problem with these things is you never know until you've actually done it. A thought that keeps me awake, terrified to my very core, almost every night. There's already been plenty of problems along the way, however we're now locked in to shoot on the weekend of the 19th-20th November so watch this space for further updates on my gradual, some might say inevitable, meltdown.

I'm sure I've been doing more stuff but I can't think what off the top of my head. I'll give you a quick rundown. I almost adopted a kitten. I saw the Exorcist for the first time and absolutely loved it. Held some truly memorable auditions for my project. Made a prize tit of myself more times than usual. Creeped out everyone I came across on Halloween. Got my feature-length script read by the BBC. Danced with death. Saved a species. Explored my own body in new, varied and interesting ways, oh and tried chocolate sushi for the first time...it was orgasmic.

That brings us just about up to date. I suppose all that's left to say is a big sorry to all three (at official last count) of my fans for being away so long. I promise this blog will now be of upmost importance once again. Sort of.

Oh, and now that it's got all cold and dark and winter's closing in. Make yourself a cup of tea and have a watch of this. 'Twill warm the cockles of your heart...

Godspeed,

Juan.