Epitaph...

Riding through the streets of San Francisco all morning. Fog rolling over the hills. Sun glistening off the bay. This song on repeat. Not a bad way to spend a day.



Peace.

Quote of the Day:

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

Jack Kerouac - "On The Road" (1951)

Life...and Ting.

It's been a rather busy few weeks. Since I recently got hired to write a comedy web-series, with a very good friend of mine, it's been all go on the old creativity front.

Firstly, writing a web-series (at least writing one of any wit, style and/or substance) is bloody hard work! The idea for our series is terrific and the collective brainbox has been producing lots of good things, however while I would usually celebrate such an instance, in this case it is almost a hindrance. You see, making something funny, furthering a plot and developing characters - both central and periphory - is quite a difficult thing to accomplish in 5-6 minutes of screen time. You literally have no time for back story, no time for elaborate "twas a warm summer's eve, and Jennifer wandered the forests with a pondering expression in her eye" -style descriptions. It has so far been an absolute lesson in writing succinctly.

That said, my writing partner and I have no illusions as to the work involved and so far we've got something which I think could be really quite good. Definitely the potential for a sitcom...but I probably just sound like a delusional fool for saying that out loud. Plus, sitting around with a mate coming up with funny stuff all day ain't my idea of a bad gig. Kna'mean!

Also, for some unknown reason, I've been getting lots of auditions lately. All for commercials. All weird and wonderful in their own way.

As I may have mentioned on this blog before, the commercial business is a funny old one. Most of the time you go in not knowing what to expect. In fact the only thing you can be sure of is that you will make a complete tit of yourself, in one way or another. One minute you're being asked to fall asleep in front of a room full of people (true story - I had to do it twice), the next you're given a wife, a child and asked to improvise your honeymoon slideshow for 20 minutes (again, true story). I prefer the latter, it must be said.

In all honesty it's gotten to the point where I don't know what they're actually looking for with these things. You've just got to go in, do your best, piss into the wind and hope you eventually snag something with a paycheck. Thank god I've got other interests or I'd probably go insane by now.

Finally, I have also been doing classes at the esteemed Upright Citizens Brigade theater. Now, these classes are technically Improv, but not as we know it. I went in thinking "I'm going to show all these f**kers just how funny and delightful I really am. They're in for a treat!" However, within an hour I was a cowering wreck. They stamp that "aren't I funny?" gene right out of you immediately. Instead they teach the importance of two things. One, listening to what's going on and creating a scene based off of that (quite a nerve-shredding experience). Two, committing 100% to whatever you're doing. The experience so far, has been revelatory.

You see, as far as commitment goes, nothing is more important if you want to be a good actor, or indeed a good comedian. Let's face it, acting, by it's very nature, is ridiculous. You are essentially doing 'make believe' as a grown adult. However, stories need to be served and the only way to serve such stories is to commit to your part with everything you've got. They say you're reporting on a Manatee headed, Tuna-fish bodied sumo wrestler who threatening to destroy human kind? Then you better report with all the terror and blind panic you can muster.

For example, think of Harrison Ford in Star Wars. It was his first big role. He's sitting on set, convinced he's making the biggest turkey of all time. He was, in his words, "set to fire my agent". However, when he's running through that set being told "Okay, you just came out of an asteroid field six parcecks too far" do you believe for a second that it's not real in the finished product? No chance. Or when he has to pretend that an 8ft hairy beast whose only dialogue is "Gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" is his best friend, he's in it, 100%. And look at him today.

So when you're in an audition being told "when you bite into that burrito, it's like the happiest you've ever been" (again, true story), instead of thinking how absurd the last sentence that passed your ears was and how much you should be working with Martin Scorcese by now, you've just got to say f*ck it and believe everything as if it were actually happening.

Therefore my advice is to commit to whatever it is you're doing. Because yes it might feel unnatural, and yes you might feel stupid, but one day you might...um...shag Calista Flockhart? I don't know what I'm saying. You get my point.

Peace,

John.

Today Is...

...a Smiths sort of day. Sigh.

JB.

Acid Test:

If anyone else finds this as funny as I did, I will consider you a soulmate for life. Which is not that big of a prize I suppose, but still...

Classic Albums: Breaking Atoms

This is the one and only LP from the now defunct Main Source. "Who?" You might ask. Exactly.

So, Main Source were a hip hip group with two DJ's hailing from Toronto (not exactly the most gangsta of hoods) and the one and only Large Professor. "Who?" You might ask. Again, bear with me.

This album, released in the good old days of 1991, is just outstanding music from start to finish. It also covers a wide range of topics, something that sorely lacks from Hip Hop music in this day and age - Bitches, money and gun crime is okay for a few songs, a few albums even, but enough is enough. From the opening bizarre piano loop of "Snake Eyes", a song comparing life to a dice game, you know this is going to be different. From there we delve into Large Professor's failed love life ("Looking at the Front Door"), Police Brutality ("Just a Friendly Game of Baseball") and the misuse of a certain word ("Peace Is Not the Word To Play"). The final song, "Watch Roger Do His Thing" is a tale of a friend from the hood (whose name escapes me...) who goes out, gets a job, works hard at said job, and makes something for himself and his family. Gasp! That's right folks, a positive message from a rap record. Who'd have thought it possible.

All of the wild and varied subject matter aside, the only reason rap gets our attention in the first place is to answer the question "will drunk girls potentially grind with me if heard in a bar?". The answer is an resounding yes. This album boasts some of the funkiest beats the old school has to offer (again from Large Professor - in fact I'm not really sure what the DJ's really do in this group at all. Might explain why they are no longer a group, eh?) and from start to finish I find myself nodding along like the middle class whitey I truly am. Play this loud in your car, and birdies will come a-flocking. So I'm told anyway.

As far as great albums that absolutely no-one has heard of go, this one might take the gold medal. In short, listen to this album now. No-one else has.

Main Source - Snake Eyes

JB.

P.S - this album also features the first performance, ever, from a young fella called Nas (now a rap megastar). Who, despite being about 14 when this was recorded, managed some pretty high levels of offensiveness, declaring himself himself a "police murderer" and claiming "when I was 12 I went to hell for snuffin' Jesus". Haha. Marvelous isn't it? These young black chappies and their unruly ways. Hurrah!

Dialogue of the Day

Woman: "This painting, to me, restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straightjacket in a black absurd cosmos"

Man: "What are you doing Saturday night?"

Woman: "Committing suicide"

Man: "What about Friday?"

From "Play It Again, Sam" (1972)

Heroes to Humanity #33 - Stephen Merchant

He stands at a ridiculous height. He is built like a girl's bicycle. He looks, for all intents and purposes, like a circus freak. However, his genius in the realms of comedy knows no bounds. He is Stephen Merchant.

For anyone who doesn't know, Steve is the co-creator of The Office (the original of course) and generally less revered half of the old Gervais/Merchant comedy brainbox. While Gervais lauds it around the globe enjoying the fruits of mega-stardom, he will be the first to tell you that he wouldn't be sh*t without his lanky, goggle-eyed friend.

Merchant's career began as a failed stand-up comedian. He was then hired as Ricky Gervais' assistant at indie radio channel XFM because, according to Gervais, "it was the first CV on my desk". From there the two went on to host the saturday afternoon show, which, as I can attest to, was bloody hilarious. Then came The Office - brought about because Stephen had to film something for his directing class and asked Gervais to do his "creepy boss guy". Thus began one of the greatest comedy creations in history.

Despite the odd cameo here and there, Merchant remained relatively unknown until 2005's "Extras" where he played hapless agent Darren Lamb. Finally people noticed how f**king funny the man is. I for one, think his performance in that programme was one of the funniest I've seen, as evidenced by this hilarious video:

Yes there's been a few misguided attempts at film-making since then (The Invention of Lying, Cemetary Junction - both shit) but there's also been the Podcasts, "An Idiot Abroad" and I await their latest sitcom "Life's Too Short" - about the trails and tribulations of a showbiz dwarf - with baited breath.

Maximum respect, sir. Keep up the good work.

John.

An Appropriate Response...

Amid all the media moral panic, it's nice to read someone with the proper perspective on the London Riots:

"Panic on the streets of London" - Laurie Penny

JB.

London's Burning!

So, as I sit here right now, foggy London town is being burned to the ground by rampaging gangs of masked youths. Or, more accurately, a bunch of chavvy little twerps are setting cars on fire and stealing cigarettes and snickers bars. It started in Tottenham and quickly spread to other shit-holes around town...Peckham, Brixton, Hackney, Croydon etc. (Coincidence? Mmmm.)

Now, me personally, I'm not adverse to a bit of a riot every now and then. Show the people in charge that the rules can be changed if need be, you know? However, as always, what starts as a genuine angry protest (in this case, the wrongful shooting of a man by the police) often gets corrupted by the criminal element and all relevant cause is immediately discredited in a haze of mindless chavvery. Now, if a family member of mine was wrongfully shot by the police, I would happily take to the streets (or least give it some serious thought). However, most people are just out looking to run around and cause some damage. This is where it goes wrong.

The problem with the nature of rioting is the way it invariably gets dealt with by the police. They have only one option...extreme force. They have no time to decipher who is friend and who is foe, therefore they have to just batter everyone who gets in the way. Of course some of these people are innocents who deserve this not one bit. Thus an innocent man trying to get home gets shoved to the ground and the dogs set on him, what's he going to do? Pick up a bottle and start throwing. Therein the situation becomes further inflamed and it goes on and on. So expect this to continue for at least another couple of days.

One thing I've never understood is the looting aspect of it. What is the benefit of breaking into your local newsagents and pilfering all the copies of Mens World? Exactly what statement are you trying to make? "I will speak out against police brutality by masturbating furiously for days on end! That'll show 'em!" That's merely being a moron. Also, by smashing up and setting fire to your own neighbourhoods, you're just doing exactly what the government wants you to do. Everyone already thinks you're all poor, uneducated, amoral thugs and all this sort of thing does is confirm that stereotype. And, as a result, when this all blows over, no-ones going to be in a hurry to clean it all up. No-one at all.

I do feel sorry for the regular folk of these areas though. Especially those getting their businesses ransacked by these rag-faced chancers. To them my heart goes out. The rest of you are just tw*ts. If only you took all this 'rage' and used it in a constructive manner, who knows what could be achieved.

Until then, enjoy your free TV's where you can watch 'The Only Way Is Essex' and Baa along like good little sheep. Mugs.

Peace and love

John.

Tunes Currently Chasing My Dragon:

1) Wash - Bon Iver

2) Library Pictures - Arctic Monkeys

3) Don't Think Twice, It's Alright - Bob Dylan

4) Sons & Daughters - The Decemberists

5) Ghetto Dreams - Common (feat. Nas)

6) Enter Sandman - Metallica

7) Let's Stay Together - Al Green

8) Chan Chan - Buena Vista Social Club

9) Youthful Expression - A Tribe Called Quest

10) Kettles - Arcade Fire

Lyrics To Live By:

"I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving

England is mine, it owes me a living"

"Still Ill" - The Smiths (1984)

A Word (or two) About Love:

Preach brother! Preach!

Actor Files: Matt Damon

Thanks in no small part to 'Team America', for a good ten years I have been unable to hear this man's name without repeating "Maaaaatt Daaaaamon" like a mongoloid. However, I feel it's time to offer my respects to what has been one of my favourite actors for some years now.

After a few memorable cameos (see: 'Courage Under Fire') Mr. Damon's first big break came when he wrote and starred in the brilliant, and one of my all-time favourites, 'Good Will Hunting' which garnered him and boyhood friend Ben Affleck an Academy Award for best original screenplay. From there, Hollywood mega stardom followed.

"Some people get into this business and they're so afraid to lose anything. They try to protect their position like clinging to a beachhead. These actors end up making really safe choices. I never wanted to go that route. If I go down, I'm going down swinging."

Damon next starred in Spielberg's 'Saving Private Ryan', the criminally underrated 'Rounders' and 'The Talented Mr. Ripley'. All great films and not your typical Hollywood-star fodder. Then came of course the 'Ocean's Eleven' and 'Bourne' series'. When I first saw 'The Bourne Identity' I was skeptical but ended up very pleasantly surprised. In fact I can't really put it better than Paul Rudd's character in the 40 year-old virgin: "I always thought of Matt Damon as a bit of a Streisand, but he's really rocking the shit in this one".

Along with the undoubted success of those films, he also offered stellar performances in films like 'Syriana', 'The Good Shepherd', 'The Informant', and 'True Grit' (which I absolutely loathed. His performance, however, was the one good thing about that film. Ten Oscar nominations? Ten?! F**k right off.) Then came a long overdue Academy Award nomination for his portrayal of Francois Pienaar in 'Invictus', which is a pretty much flawless performance. However, my favourite role from the boy Damon is in Martin Scorcese's 'The Departed'. When that film came out, everyone was talking about Jack Nicholson, or Leonardo DiCaprio, or Alec Baldwin, or Mark Wahlberg (who was good, I admit) but I urge you to go back and watch that film again. Then try telling me that Matt Damon doesn't act rings around everyone else in that film. He is brilliant and that film would be nothing without him.

"I don't hold myself to some higher standard of behaviour. You don't have to do a lot to be seen as 'nice'. I guess some of these people must be such rampant pricks that people are amazed when you say hello. I don't know why people like me, and I don't know if I want to know. That might be the kiss of death. I'd rather people not know a lot about me and go see the films."

But, you see, that's why Matt Damon is such an oddity in this day and age. He has the rare honor of always being good in absolutely everything he's done. He's never done anything shite. Thus everyone simply expects a solid performance from him and when he delivers said performance, it is simply par for the course. I almost want him to do a "Gigli" or "The Happening" or "Elizabethtown" just so we can all be reminded of just how great the man is. One day it'll happen I'm sure. Until that day however, our Matty will have to settle on being one of the richest, most successful humans alive.

Bravo sir.

JB.

P.S - For any actors out there looking for a career model, both on the screen and off it, look no further.

Codex

Right, everyone (all three of you), I want you to go to somewhere peaceful, somewhere quiet and preferably away from other humans. I want you to turn all the lights off and close your eyes. Ingest whatever substance makes you happy - although of course I am not advocating the use of drugs - sit back, relax and play this video:

JB

Things I Love: Man on Wire

This absolutely fascinating documentary is the story of one nutty Frenchman named Phillipe Petit. Back in the early 1970's, Petit was a young circus performer/wire walker/complete crackpot who had a dream, and that dream was to tightrope between the World Trade Center.

How he got to finally do it is a story in itself and listening to the man tell it is one of the more exciting things one can do. I could honestly hear him speak for hours on end and not be bored for a second. Yet we don't just get to hear him speak. Thankfully Phillipe and his team recorded hours of footage of their exploits back in the day, including him tightroping across Notre Dame and over (yes, over) the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

The big prize however was the tallest buildings on earth (still uncompleted at the time). So he assembled a crack team of people and they set to work. The rest is history and all I'll say is that, despite being comfortably rooted on terra firma and in the sanctity of my house, my stomach turned more times than I can remember.

However, what I love most about this film is how moving the whole thing is. Call me a sap, but listening to these people talk about their experiences on these adventures just reminds me of how romantic everything can be if you look at it the right way. Of course, it helps that they are all French (for the most part), but there are so many underlying themes to this story that it resonates on a deeper level than just some madman performing stunts. The end result is a quite beautiful experience.

"Life should be lived on the edge of life. You have to exercise rebellion: to refuse to tape yourself to rules, to not refuse your own success, to refuse to repeat yourself, to see every day, every year, every idea as a true challenge - and then you are going to live your life on a tightrope." (Phillipe Petit)

Peace,

JB

Viva Mexico!

So the past week has been spent south of the border. Had an absolutely fantastic time, met a large amount of beautiful people, and realised quite quickly that I haven't been on a holiday (other than traveling between England and California) for seven and a half years! My love for traveling has officially been reignited and I'm already scoping out the next trip.

My desire to learn Spanish has also been piqued once again. Surrounded by people who could speak the native tongue, while I sat there blurting out "Dos. Cervecas. POR. Fayvor.", was an embarrassment. By the end of the year I plan to have at least a basic knowledge. We'll see how that goes.

All in all an extremely fun time and above all a much needed time. The past year has been a weird one, and as I laid, star-fished out, in the ocean I suddenly realised how mad, bad and beautiful it's all been. Probably helped that I had drank my weight in Tequila the night before...one always gets reflective in such instances.

So now it's back to reality, which is still a bit of a fantasy really, and I feel like spanking some arse (metaphorically speaking) more than ever.

And here's one of the most beautiful songs ever for your enjoyment:

Bob Dylan - "A Simple Twist of Fate" (couldn't find an 'embedable' version)

Peace and Love,

Juanito.

P.S. - Hello Adam!