Well Played, Seth Rogen...

Having had the pleasure of hearing this man give a speech, and the utter displeasure of having someone very close to me affected by this disease, I urge you all to watch this video, enjoy the hilarity, and maybe think about the message.

Cheers,

JB.

Heroes to Humanity: #821 - Richard Harris

Born in Limerick in 1930, old Dicky boy was one of the few at the time born into a relatively privileged background (Ireland was pretty feckin' poor in those days). However, as a youth he decided to escape the trappings of his life on the Emerald Isle to head to the badlands of London, where he wished to pursue a career in acting.

"I would consider myself an excessive compulsive. Everything I do has to be excessive. Like for instance if I fall in love, it has to be excessive. I overpower the woman with devotion and love and sex, to such an extent I exhaust them"

After arriving in the big city, Harris tried to find himself a place to stay. In doing so, he stumbled across an ad for a bedsit which read "Black or Irish need not apply". In response, he smashed his fist through the window and stole the sign - which he kept for the rest of his life as motivation. From there he went and applied at the London Academy of Music & Dramatic Art (LAMDA), finding the headteacher and proclaiming "I've done my fuckin' research on you lot, and you haven't had one star graduate from here. I will be your first star". As a result, they let him audition and he got in. Later on, Harris saw the same headteacher who told him that his was the single worst audition he'd ever seen, but "anyone who had the balls to perform that badly in front of a room full of people had to have something"...and a legend was born.

Upon graduating from LAMDA, Harris quickly made good on his promise, landing several leading man performances and becoming a full-blown Hollywood star with the release of "This Sporting Life" wherein he put in a great performance as a disgruntled coal miner who becomes a rugby star. From there, Harris really started to move through the gears.

"The difference between me and someone like Tom Cruise is that if you see pictures of me going to one of my premieres, you'll see a bottle of Vodka in my hand. If you see Cruise, he's holding a bottle of Evian water. That's the difference - a bottle of Evian water" 

Now, while still in his teenage years, Ricky suffered a terrible bout of Tuberculosis, almost killing him. It was after surviving this experience that he decided to live life to it's maximum capacity, and if there's an industry in which life is fully allowed to be lived at this capacity, it is the good old entertainment industry. The perfect storm was created and one of the most notorious Hollywood Hell-Raisers flourished. He would turn up to set drunk, disappear for days on end (only to re-surface with bevvy of beautfiul birds on his arm), piss off untold movie stars, go to premieres drunk, fight any and all and generally behave like an absolute lunatic on every level. However, as is the way in this town, the studios allowed all of this behaviour because he was a proven money-maker and an actor of the finest pedigree.

Indeed so legendary was his debauchery that, after flying 12 hours across the world for a shag - getting royally battered the whole way - he ended up at the doctors, who informed him that his blood-sugar was dangerously high and he was to give up drinking at once. So what did he do? In his words..."So, I went out and did Coke, Heroin, LSD, Speed, anything I could get my hands on". Brilliant.

"I was a sinner. I slugged some people. I hurt many people. And it's true, I never looked back to see the casualties.... I hate movies. They're a waste of time. I could be in a pub having more fun talking to idiots rather than sitting down and watching idiots perform."

It wasn't all fun and games however. One night, our Richard did so much coke that he collapsed and overdosed. Again, almost dying. This time though, he decided enough was enough and became teetotal for 15 years, in which time he enjoyed a renaissance in his acting career, starring in films such as "Unforgiven", "Gladiator" and "Harry Potter". However, his role as professor Dumbledore was to be his last, as his health devolved rapidly - concluding in a collapse at London's Ritz Hotel. However, even when being stretchered out of the building, Harris managed one last joke - yelling to mortified guests of the Hotel Restaurant "It was the food!". What a fucking legend.

Anyway, I could write for weeks about this man and still not remotely do him justice. An actor whose career is littered with magnificent performances, a womanizer of the highest order, and possibly the greatest storyteller of all time. What a refreshing thing it is to see a man who had it all, did it all with charm, style and class, and found himself completely unaffected by being a "performer" or an "artist" or however else you with to aggrandise the whole thing. And surrounded as I am by the boring, synthetic,  wet mops that we are treated to today, I think it is a damn shame that more like Richard Harris don't come along - just normal blokes who like a bit of a drink, a bit of a shag and don't get caught up in all the self-involvement of it all. Yes, he may have been a lunatic, but the best kind of lunatic, wherein he leaves a trail of incredible stories and smiles across the faces of all who knew him.



I shall drink a pint of Guiness in your honour, sir. You should too my friends.

Cheers,

JB.

Heroes To Humanity: #256 - Joss Whedon

Watch this video. End of story.



JB.

Great Reads: Fear & Loathing On The Campaign Trail '72

This book charts the election year of 1972 here in the good old US of A. From the democratic primaries to the presidential campaign everything is documented. Sounds like an absolute yawn-fest I'm sure. However, when told through the eyes of Hunter S. Thompson, this book becomes something altogether more interesting.

For any fans of that other "Fear and Loathing" book, let me start by saying that you should not go into this book expecting to read about continual psychoactive mayhem. There's some of that, of course, as Thompson seems unable to function unless engaging in at least medium-level debauchery, and Christ knows you'd probably need to be off your tits to deal with some of these people, however the one thing that often gets lost in the Hunter S. Thompson legend is what a humanitarian the man was. That and the fact that he was an absolutely brilliant writer.

What makes this book such a fascinating read is that it is U.S. politics from the outsider looking in. The average, rational-thinking man wondering what on earth the circus before him all means. Every page oozes empathy and a, some would argue, deluded hope for the people. As the ill-fated John McGovern pits his wits against king reptile Richard Nixon, it becomes a classic tale of good vs evil which is hard not to get caught up in. Now, at the time of printing this might have been considered propaganda as the book obviously favours McGovern, however in light of what became of Richard Nixon's presidency, most of it is instead eerily prophetic.

It also goes to show what an absolutely monumental, confusing, and thoroughly thankless task it is for a man of any shred of integrity to go against the machine. By the time you've shook all the hands, given all the speeches, dusted off the slander, climbed every mountain only to get pounded by some slabbering, vacuous non-human in front of the world's media, it's enough to wonder why anyone ever bothers at all.

If you've got any interest at all in what goes on behind the scenes during that time those odd, sharp-suited, shiny-toothed bellends are all over your TV screen (i.e. right now) then I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

"If the current polls are reliable, Nixon will be re-elected by a huge majority of Americans who feel he is not only more honest and trustworthy than George McGovern, but also more likely to end the war in Vietnam. The polls also indicate that Nixon will get a comfortable majority of the youth vote. And that he might carry all 50 states. This may be the year when we finally come face to face with ourselves; finally just lay back and say it - that we are really just a nation of 220 million used car salesman with all the money we need to buy guns, and no qualms at all about killing anybody in the world who makes us feel uncomfortable. The tragedy of all this is that George McGovern, for all his mistakes, understands what a fantastic monument to all the best instincts of the human race this country might have been if we could have kept it out of the hands of greedy little hustlers like Richard Nixon. McGovern made some stupid mistakes, but in context they seem almost frivolous compared to the things Richard Nixon does every day of his life, on purpose. Jesus! Where will it end? How low do you have to stoop in this country to become president?"

(Excerpt from "September, 1972")

Peace and love,

JB.

Heroes to Humanity: #405 - Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards

I tell you, few things got me more excited, as a young nipper, than watching the Winter Olympics. The reason for that was simply one man. A god among men. A bird, floating effortlessly through the heavens, kissing the wings of an angel before gliding back to earth among us mortals. That man was, of course, Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards...

"Bo Selecta!"

Has there ever been a more English of heroes? With his movie star looks and sly wit, he had it all. I mean, when he wasn't doing death-defying dives off of enormous ramps, the man was a plasterer! How perfect is that?

Growing up in the West Country of England, god knows how Eddie got into Ski-Jumping as a professional pastime. Honestly, just dwell on that for a minute...a country with no snowy mountains. None. Couple that with the fact that the man was supposedly afraid of heights and you must wonder...how???

Anyway, got into it he did and eventually became Britain's representative in the 1988 Winter Olympics. In actual fact, Eddie can claim to be the only Ski Jumper our fair shores have EVER produced. Ever. Another miracle to hang his hat on.

I remember during the '88 Olympics, he was my undisputed hero. Every jump seemed to be walking the fine line between landing safely and decapitating himself. Oh, the excitement. Of course, our Ed came last in every event he entered, but he took that very British trait of dignified failure to entirely new levels and captured the nation's heart in the process. The man is simply a legend. I believe this interview excerpt sums our hero up nicely:

Eddie: "They said I was afraid of heights, but I was doing 60 jumps a day then. Is that the behaviour of someone who's scared of heights?"

Interviewer: "Well, were you afraid of jumping?"

Eddie: "Yeah, of course."

God bless that man.

JB.

Heroes to Humanity #33 - Stephen Merchant

He stands at a ridiculous height. He is built like a girl's bicycle. He looks, for all intents and purposes, like a circus freak. However, his genius in the realms of comedy knows no bounds. He is Stephen Merchant.

For anyone who doesn't know, Steve is the co-creator of The Office (the original of course) and generally less revered half of the old Gervais/Merchant comedy brainbox. While Gervais lauds it around the globe enjoying the fruits of mega-stardom, he will be the first to tell you that he wouldn't be sh*t without his lanky, goggle-eyed friend.

Merchant's career began as a failed stand-up comedian. He was then hired as Ricky Gervais' assistant at indie radio channel XFM because, according to Gervais, "it was the first CV on my desk". From there the two went on to host the saturday afternoon show, which, as I can attest to, was bloody hilarious. Then came The Office - brought about because Stephen had to film something for his directing class and asked Gervais to do his "creepy boss guy". Thus began one of the greatest comedy creations in history.

Despite the odd cameo here and there, Merchant remained relatively unknown until 2005's "Extras" where he played hapless agent Darren Lamb. Finally people noticed how f**king funny the man is. I for one, think his performance in that programme was one of the funniest I've seen, as evidenced by this hilarious video:

Yes there's been a few misguided attempts at film-making since then (The Invention of Lying, Cemetary Junction - both shit) but there's also been the Podcasts, "An Idiot Abroad" and I await their latest sitcom "Life's Too Short" - about the trails and tribulations of a showbiz dwarf - with baited breath.

Maximum respect, sir. Keep up the good work.

John.

Heroes to Humanity: #504 - Mark Kermode

When I still lived in good old Blighty, I used to watch Mark Kermode's, not to be confused with Mark Lamar - despite same first name and ridiculous 50's quiff, review show and think "what an annoying twat".

However as I've matured and developed a healthy hatred for all things puerile and idiotic, I have to say that every single review of a film that I see of his, I now think "yep, I couldn't agree more". Once you look past the quiff, the obnoxiousness, the Danny Dyer impressions (although I do agree with him that Danny Dyer is one of the cackest humans alive) what you are faced with is a very intelligent, well-read man and, as film critics go, one of the most accurate yardsticks of what's good and what's shite, there is.

I highly recommend watching some footage of The Kermode and Mayo show as it is pretty sodding hilarious. In the meantime, let's enjoy some highlights of Mark's most hate-filled bile:

"It is consumerist pornography. It is an orgy of dripping wealth that just made me want to be sick" (on 'Sex and the City 2')

"If Michael Bay wasn't one of the most successful film-makers in the world, with hundreds of millions of dollars at his disposal, he would be making porn. Or, more accurately, he would be making adverts for porn." (on 'Transformers')

"What Guy Ritchie has done is, he's gone back to 'The Long Good Friday', which is a brilliant gangster movie, and re-made it as effectively performed by Chas n' Dave" (on 'Rocknrolla')

"It stars the huge acting talent that is Orlando Bloom. The Donny Osmond of his generation, without the teeth or indeed the talent. The pretty boy who we cast because lots of girls find him terribly unthreatening and want to take him home and mother him" (on 'Elizabethtown')

"George Lucas could not direct traffic! He's an accountant. He's a bean counter. He has absolutely no cinematic understanding whatsoever. Moreover, his writing skills are, at best, pre-school" (on 'Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith')

Legend.

Heroes To Humanity: #94 - Dave Grohl

After reading this article ("Dave Grohl: F**k Glee") this morning, it made me so happy that I felt it was finally time to honour a man who really needs no introduction...I'll give him one anyway.

For anyone living in musical purgatory for the past 20 years, our Dave began his glittering career as the drummer for Nirvana - his inclusion almost instantly propelling them to rock n' roll royalty - before moving on and becoming front man and chief songwriter for the Foo Fighters. He has also worked with many other bands in varying guises (most notably, Queens of the Stone Age on their epic album "Songs For The Deaf") and is quite simply the finest drummer, and possibly musician, of my generation. Also, in a world rife with Madonna's and Kanye West's, it's nice to see someone at the top of his game who is down to earth, humble as can be and seemingly enjoying every minute of the ride, as evidenced by the Foo's latest video:

Mr. Grohl, we salute you. Now, altogether...."F**k Glee!"

JB.

Heroes To Humanity: #208 - Banksy

After watching the very excellent "Exit Through The Gift Shop" I instantly went and dusted off my copy of "Wall and Piece", which is a book displaying the art and thoughts of the living legend that is Banksy.

Now, I know that now, in 2011, it is extremely trendy to be a fan of this chap. I can even hear people (as in, wankers) at art shows saying things like "Yah, you know what I love the most about his work though Tarquin? It's the subversive, anti-establishment rhetoric he consistently slaps us in the chops with"......gag! However, I am proud to say that I have been on the bandwagon since I had the pleasure of seeing one of his works in London several years ago. It was a stencil of two policemen in a romantic clinch. My only thought in passing was "that is genius" and on I went. Then I found this book and lo and behold, there it was, the same picture.

Now, while I am a sucker for the elusive, fuck capitalism element to his work, I think it's easy to lose just what a great artist the man is. Everything he does is not only cutting edge and indeed edgy, but it's bloody good. Thus meeting my first criteria for modern art - could I do that myself? If the answer is no, it's passes round one.

Just have a look at his catalogue: Banksy - Outdoor Collection

So here's to Banksy, a scoundrel who openly laughs in all of our fat, ignorant faces and makes boatloads of cash doing it.

Heroes To Humanity: #112 - Howard Marks

Born in Kenfig Hill, a tiny mining village in the valleys of Wales, the man formerly known as Dennis went on to become the world's biggest Marijuana smuggler during the 1970's and 80's. At the height of his power he was connected to the Sicilian Mafia, The IRA, The Medellin Cartel, MI6 and numerous other shady and illicit organisations.

His autobiography, aptly named "Mr. Nice", documents these events through the eyes of a charmingly innocent Welshman who, at the core of it all, didn't really fancy working for a living. The rest followed. Not once did he use violence or even a threatening word, he simply went about his business, albeit with about 27 aliases, and made boatloads of cash! The book itself is a remarkable read, detailing Howard's lavish life of an international playboy and devoted family man. A weird paradox really considering his occupation. It is triumphant, funny and surprisingly poignant. I can't recommend it highly enough - whatever your views on the legality of ganja (mine, despite not being a weed smoker, is simply that it's a plant...let me repeat, a PLANT!...end of debate.)

So here's to a simple man who bollocksed his way to a life of fame & fortune. Bravo sir.

http://www.howardmarks.name/

Heroes To Humanity: #68 - Jim Morrison

After getting extremely drunk on whiskey and beer last night, I have spent today immersed in things I'm interested in. Namely, The Doors. The perfect hangover band.

I began by watching "When You're Strange" which is a very interesting, somewhat surreal documentary about The Doors. While they have always been one of my all time favourite bands, I never really knew much about their story. Well, their story is really the story of one man...Jim Morrison. When the band formed in 1965, he was a quiet, shy military-raised kid who would turn his back on the audience from fear. By 1966, he was the swaggering, shirtless, rock-god we all know and love today. Watching him gyrate around the stage like a possessed shaman, howling out classics like "Break On Through" it became immediately apparent to me that they just do not make rock stars like this any more. All of the Justin Bieber's, Kesha's, and Miley Cyrus' of the world should hang their little corporate, vacant heads in shame.

R.I.P - Mr. Mojo Risin'

The Doors - "LA Woman"

Heroes to Humanity: #5 - John Williams

When searching for people who have undeniably shaped my formative years, look no further than the mighty John Williams. This man not only single-handedly provided the soundtrack for the first 10-15 years of my life, but was also the same man who ignited the love I have for films today.

Usually, my opinion on composers is "What is he doing though really? He's just waving his hands around like a nonce. Anyone can do that!"...or something equally belligerent. However, just looking at the man's track-record is proof that they must do something. Star Wars, E.T., Indiana Jones, Superman, Jurassic Park....the list of truly memorable theme songs go on and on and on.

However, thanks to Mr. Williams, whenever I am in the ocean and I go out to that point where my feet can no longer reach the bottom, I will always, until the day I die, hear this in my head:

Well played sir...well played.

Heroes to Humanity: #44 - Trey Parker & Matt Stone

In light of the recent controversy surrounding South Park, I feel it's only right to recognise two of the greatest minds to ever exist in the realms of comedy, Mr. Trey Parker and Mr. Matt Stone.

My words will not come close to doing justice to the body of work that these two have put together over the years, or indeed my admiration of said body of work. I feel like everything they've put out (apart from BASEketball, which was cack) is a direct manifestation of my sense of humour on screen, which is probably a bit worrying. Thinking about it they've only really done South Park and Team America...but that's more than enough for me.

As far as the recent "Muslim Death Threat" bollocks that surrounded episode 201, here is a note I wrote the day after it aired:

In light of the whole debacle regarding the latest episode of South Park, I feel compelled to offer my two cents on the matter. For anyone not in the know, basically their latest plot centre's around the hoo-ha caused by showing an image of the muslim prophet Muhammad. Ironic really because almost as soon as it aired, reality reflected exactly the same reaction. Thus they were forced to censor some images and "the network" added additional audio bleeps.

Now, and stop me if I'm wrong here, I'm getting pretty sick of these moral-majority types coming in and sucking the fun out of everything. I get it, you're religious, you're one step closer to divinity than me, you exist on a higher plain because you are devout etc. I just don't understand why people can't just have a relationship with god and shut the **** up. Now, I am not a quote unquote religious type. However I do consider myself spiritual and I do believe in something...as to what that something actually is, I'm not sure quite yet. My problem is that I have trouble following someone (or entity, or whatever) who is apparently is a judgemental, humorless, dictator.

Because that's what these people believe - that God (in any religion) is just sitting up there, never smiling, keeping order by eternal damnation, deceiving people left and right and generally behaving like a prize twat. It's like god is a used car salesman, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that notion. I'd like to think that as an all-knowing, all-powerful, benevolent force, my god could have a little laugh at himself every now and then. I'd like to think that he had the power to think rationally and reason with every single different human's plight...except Simon Cowell, obviously. I mean, watching this latest South Park (which depicts Buddha snorting coke and Jesus watching Porn etc), you can see it's meant to provoke and it's meant, on some level, to offend for offence's sake but the one thing that is abundantly clear to me is that all these depictions are so obviously JOKES.

If your life is based entirely around a faith that it so flimsy it can be torn apart by someone else poking fun at it, it might be time to re-evaluate your situation instead of threatening murder and hell-fire to anyone that dare challenge your ideal. Personally, I am unwavering in my belief that Catherine Zeta Jones is hot. I was sold since The Darling Buds of May. People often say she's too old, she's too Welsh etc. However I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me because I am 100% confident in my belief and little could change that...Michael Douglas came close but I still hung in there. That's how I feel about religion. If you believe, your belief should be enough. What everyone else thinks or indeed says or does shouldn't threaten your beliefs...it's their business, just as your thoughts are yours.

So Matt and Trey, keep doing your thing and don't bow to the joyless freaks that try and make life just as miserable for everyone else. I salute you, sirs.

Top 10 Episodes of South Park:

1) Scott Tenorman Must Die - Season 5
2) Asspen - Season 6
3) Make Love, Not Warcraft - Season 10
4) Red Hot Catholic Love - Season 6
5) Towelie - Season 5
6) Quest For Ratings - Season 8
7) With Apologies to Jessie Jackson - Season 11
8) Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society - Season 6
9) Cat Orgy - Season 3
10) Guitar Queer-O - Season 11

Heroes to Humanity: #235 - Ronnie O'Sullivan

In a regular feature of this blog, I will be randomly picking people whose contributions to society are deserving of mine, yours and everyone's acknowledgement and appreciation. This week, Ronnie O'Sullivan.

Despite having the single worst nickname in sporting history (The Essex Ocelot???) there is no denying Rocket Ronnie's place in our fair nation's heart. The man responsible for the world's fastest 147...and for anyone reading this not knowing what that is, it is pretty much impossible for the average human...the man who quits half way through games when it's not going well, the man who beats opponents with his left hand when he feels bored! Yes his dad is a murderer, yes he might moan a bit too much for a millionaire and yes he might be a bit flash. But, he is the one and only reason snooker is ever, and I do mean ever, worth watching. Better than all of this is that he is another local lad done good. Plus, anyone who openly says "anybody wanna give me a nosh?" during a press conference gets a massive thumbs up from me. You can take the boy out of Essex...



Ronnie, we salute you.

Heroes to Humanity: #72 - Kelly Brook

In a regular feature of this blog, I will be randomly picking people whose contributions to society are deserving of mine, yours and everyone's acknowledgement and appreciation. This week, we honour the lovely Kelly Brook.

Granted she's not the brightest light on the Christmas Tree, and her choice of men leaves something to be desired (largely because none of them are me) but...well...look at the Norks on it!!!

How many hours of my life I have wasted just staring at this perfect specimen, I dread to think. I even tolerated waking up at six in the morning just to see every minute of her ill-fated stint on The Big Breakfast (on mute, obviously).

My hope in writing this is that she reads it and realises that I would obviously be a much better shag than some young, good looking Rugby Player (for about 2-3 minutes anyway).

Here's hoping.

Heroes to Humanity: #147 - James Buckley

In a regular feature of this blog, I will be randomly picking people whose contributions to society are deserving of mine, yours and everyone's acknowledgement and appreciation.

This week, we honour one James Buckley, best known of course for playing Jay in the Inbetweeners.

I can't even begin to tell you how many incarnations of this character I have met over the years and he plays it to a tee. A very talented actor. Well done sir...Essex is proud of you!

Inbetweeners - Jay "The Ladies Man"