Cyber Land

So….let's talk the internet. Now, if the hilarious musical "Avenue Q" is to be believed, then the internet is solely for one thing: porn. I myself have spent many years researching this matter and while I can safely say that I haven't used it solely for porn…you get my point.

However, these days there is another use for the internet, besides making my mother ashamed of me, and that use is a new and strange phenomenon called "online distribution". It is a brave new world and one that I (we) have been exploring vigorously of late. To give you, the reader, some context; what happened is that my cohorts and I made the informed decision to release Starving In Hollywood online on the most miserable of days (speaking only for myself, of course), Valentine's Day. Thus somewhat conceding to the fact that TV execs aren't exactly beating down our door to put our show on telly and make us rich beyond our wildest dreams. Indeed, so low had the bar been lowered that I would've settled for a few likes on Facebook and maybe a 'well done, lad' from my Nan.

I digress.

Then, wouldn't you know it, right at the death our trailer came across some eyes, impartial eyes, eyes that weren't from my friends or family or people on my twitter account. These eyes liked what they saw and wanted more. So we sent over the first episode and the owner of these eyes liked that even more. Long story short, this blessed soul took mercy on us and vowed to put us in touch with "online distribution companies" who would, apparently, be interested in this sort of thing. Obviously it's all to be taken with a pinch of salt at this point but I can't tell you how gratifying it feels to have someone you've never met tell you that you're doing good work.

Anyway, the part about online distribution I don't quite yet understand is this: how does one make money off of it, exactly? TV it seems relatively straight-forward enough - you sign a contract, you get paid. Regardless of viewing figures. If people aren't watching, you get sacked. But you still got paid and at least you're not a complete failure. However, with this inter web malarky the path seems less clear. For example, if you put a video of yourself hilariously dancing naked in front of a white wall so we can only see your shadow (a mate of mine actually did this) and that video "goes viral" - as they say - then you only begin to make money if you get a certain number of hundreds of thousands of views and even then the proceeds are minimal. However, I suppose, that's where these companies come in and help. Unbeknownst to me, there is an actual science to getting things seen online - actual algorithms and such - a modern day, covert-style art to this stuff. Begs the question, is it morally wrong to manipulate the system, also begs the question - do I actually care?

The fact of the matter is that times are a-changin'. The way we consume content has gone from TV, Cinema, Home Movie to phone, laptop, tablet etc etc etc. As Netflix have gloriously proven, it means the rules are changing - hopefully for the better - and upstart little oiks like myself may finally have the voice we've so longed for. Without, necessarily, the typical corporate structure. Maybe I'm getting all romantic about the idea based on a flicker of a prayer, or maybe we just might be on to something. Who knows, my friends. Who knows?

I've sort of lost my point, I think - that's what chronic insomnia and alcohol will do to you - which was that good news may be on the way. If we do sign with one of these companies, there is potential to make money off what we did and, more excitingly, development money to do more. This news is better than a kick in the gonads, let me tell you. I've tried both. So, our release date is postponed indefinitely while we await further meetings, and potential contract negotiations. All of this, of course, could still amount to nothing. As I say though, at this stage in the game, any help will do.

Also, I'm almost finished with my new short film. Here's a teaser for it. If one more person tells me it's like the Coen Brothers I'm going to go mad. Only joking, of course, that's about the highest praise I've ever had. From anyone. Ever. Enjoy.

Peace and love.

JB

Starving In Hollywood - Full Trailer

Well folks, this internet promotion thing makes about as much sense to me as quantum physics but here is the full trailer for our show. Hopefully it'll cross the right eyes as soon as humanly possible…

Starving in Hollywood - Trailer - watch more funny videos

New Stuff

So, what on earth have I been up to? I hear you ask.

Well, the journey with "Starving In Hollywood" continues. Negotiating the murky waters of the industry has been an interesting and extremely frustrating experience. In this day and age, methods of distribution are apparently changing by the second. Depending on who you talk to, TV - as we know it - is a thing of the past, and the future lies with the internet. Increasingly, us humans are watching content on laptops, on netflix, on phones, on iPads etc etc. so online streaming is bigger than ever. All of which should play precisely into our hands, right? Surely we can just put our show on youtube and reap the spoils after millions of people tune in and enjoy? Well, apparently not. As the things that do well on youtube are things like "cat jumps over gate" (which is, admittedly, fecking hilarious). There seems to be a solid marketing path for show concepts, pilots or pitches, however finished content - such as ours - seems to be all dressed up with nowhere to go. Which is annoying, to say the least. My logic would dictate that having something finished is better than having an idea not yet begun, but then again, what do I know?

Therefore the best option remains, at this moment in time, trying to negotiate the Iron Wall of the Managers/Agents/Production Companies and hoping that somehow, some way, someone may take a passing interest enough to go "I like it, here's some money". Stay tuned, friends.

To cheer myself up, I embarked on something I said I'd never do, which is make another short film. However, when the opportunity came around, the people involved on the production side and what they would bring to the table for little to no cost made me instantly change my mind. The result was the filming of a script that I'd had written for a few years now called "Head-Side Up". Here's a poster for it…

The shoot itself was the best one I have ever had, and certainly, by far, my best experience as a director. For the first time in a long time, I felt at ease, in total command of the form, and enjoying every second of it. I think a large part of this feeling comes purely from experience - which dictates how long you should schedule, which locations to use, what lighting schemes you like, how to handle set-backs (an absolutely inevitability) and the best way to work with actors, which I basically find is giving them a nice, relaxed, environment to let them do their work. A large part also comes from having the right crew around you which, for the first time ever, I did. That is why, folks, it pays to get out and work because, by doing so, you accumulate the good people and sift out the…not so good ones. At the risk of sounding like a capitalist pig, I can't tell you how much easier my job is when you know everyone around you is doing theirs. Marvelous stuff and certainly pretty integral to the film-making process, which is hard enough as it is. This project also marked the first time that I directed without also being an actor in the film, which again made life a great, great deal easier and was equally satisfying. Fun times all round, really.

Also, I've been hired to edit multiple projects over the past few months. All of which have gone absolutely swimmingly. In fact, editing continues to be endless source of fascination for me. It really is remarkable what you can do. You can turn a good performance bad and a bad one good in a matter of frames. So, any actors (female mainly) out there remember to give your editor (me) a nice, healthy blow job at the start of every project and things will turn out just fine. In fact, such is the importance of editing, you can actually turn a good film bad, or indeed make a bad one good - well, reasonable maybe - so the same rule applies to all you directors (female) out there also. I even edited an editing reel. And here it is…

Other than that, I've just been keeping my head down, my chin up, and my lyrics on point. If I think of anything else interesting I've done, I'll let you know. Don't hold your breath.

Much love to everyone for your continued support and interest in this here writing space.

Cheers,

John.

Billy No Mates

"Oh, you've got a TV show? That's great"

So friends, here we are again. Stuck in the endless merry-go-round that is the entertainment industry complex. This is now my third time at the rodeo, as they say, and it gets no easier. In fact quite the opposite.

Last year, when doing the film festival circuit with my short film "Love Is...", I found myself at one of those panel Q&A sessions. The people on stage consisted of various actors, filmmakers and - most pertinently to this post - agents. Of course, a variety of shameless hacks in the crowd bombarded the agents with all manner of questions in the vein of "will you please watch my film?" or "will you please sign me?" or "will you please be godfather to my only child?" etc. So embarrassing was this relentless medieval-style baying that one agent eventually intervened and said "Listen, let me just say this. All of the time and energy and effort you guys are seemingly putting into getting an agent, instead put it into creating good shit. If you make something good, trust me we will find you"

Those words hit me like a pick-axe to the testes. At a time when I was feeling completely bewildered by the whole film festival thing, this saint came along and told me exactly what I always hoped in my heart would be true. You don't have to be a marketing genius, or indeed a silver-tongued door to door salesman, to succeed in this industry. It is, after all, about the art. I mean just look at all my heroes, they didn't sell their souls to the devil and they turned out just fine. In the everlasting words of "Field of Dreams" -- if you build it, they will come. Right?

Someone order a group of bell-ends?

Turns out that was a load of bollocks, and here's why...(Note: there's no way of writing the following without sounding bitter so please just rest assured that I'm not). The reviews thus far for "Starving In Hollywood" have been nothing short of spectacular. Literally everyone who has seen it has nothing but glowing things to say. From friends and family to industry veterans, the response has been the same - "I can't wait to see this on TV". However, the journey one must take from obscurity to...um...scurity(?) is a strange and twisted one, my friends. If I were a musician, it seems relatively simple. I write good songs. I play those good songs to people. I will be actively sought out by record companies who rely on new talent to keep the cash cow churning. I will be advanced money to record an album. I will tour extensively. I will thus have a career. Or at least the beginning of one. Do Film & TV reps have a similar philosophy as to unearthing new talent? Apparently not.

Instead, there seems to be an ever-growing wall of Mordor-type thing happening. By which I mean that if you are a nobody - which, at last count, I definitely am - then no-one gives a shit about you or anything you've done. We've tried calling producers, agents, tv networks and it's always the same: "(Fill in blank) does not accept unsolicited material. Now fuck off and have a nice life". Because the problem is, when swimming in the murky waters of the unsolicited, by default you are instantly lumped in with everything else floating around with you. I'm not putting our stuff on top of anybody else's, my point is merely that for anyone coming out of the pool, it's already a 'no' by virtue of where your material came from. However, if I'm soandsowhatshisname and I present my latest 'sidesplitting' venture, merely because of who I am, I am indeed now 'solicited'. This only confirms what I had previously written about here and here. If you get an in, you're laughing. Your stock instantly goes up about twelve-fold and whatever your peddling (in our case, abortion jokes and paper mache shark heads) is instantly met with not disdain and trepidation but with glee and giddy-eyed anticipation. The question, the dilemma me and my partners are currently facing, is...how do we go from no-one to someone?

Climb me...I dare you

Especially when all avenues seem to be a figure-eight scalectrix track of rejection. TV networks don't accept material unless it comes from an agent. Agents don't accept materials unless coming from a production company. Production companies don't accept material unless from an agent and, oh wait, I'm back where I started again. It is a very weird, surreal position to be in, and one which I am finding it most difficult to negotiate. I feel like a sperm frantically head butting away at the egg, watching all the millions of other sperms doing exactly the same thing and hoping to christ that I can burrow inside first.

However, this is the point. In every artist's, or creative-type's, career there comes a time when you have to strap on a pair and do the dirty work. It would be so easy for me to move on to the next creative endeavor. It'll be fun, keep me busy, and be another beautiful adventure to embark on. The problem with that philosophy is, however, that when done with that project, you're back to exactly the point you were before. You're still in the unsolicited pile and now a couple of years older and greyer. All you've succeeded in doing is turning a potential career into an actual hobby. Therefore, now is as good a time as any to get out there and do the awkward, uncomfortable, downright rubbish, part of trying to coerce people into parting with their hard-earned cash to take a chance on you and your project. No easy task but an abundantly necessary one.

Onwards and...onwards, my good people.

JB.

Starving In Hollywood - Trailer #2

Well, folks. Guess who drank too much coffee and did a new trailer in the twilight hours of yestermorn? Me. Enjoy.



Cheers,

JB.

Dialogue Of The Day

Tony: "My son comes to me the other day, says he doesn't understand what life's all about. Says he's got no purpose"
Doctor: "What did you tell him?"
Tony: "I told him that so far it's cost about a hundred and fifty grand to raise him, so if he's got no purpose, I want a fuckin' refund!"

From "The Sopranos" (Season 2)

New Poster

For my new sketch show. I did it on photoshop and it took me bloody ages so someone better leave me a comment stating how brilliant it is, or I might go on a rampage.

Cheers,

JB.

2013: An Absolute Belter (So Far)...

Well shaft me sideways with a blind man's stick, what a January that was. Of course a by-product of having such a wonderful month is the absolute lack of posting on this blog. However, last I checked, this fact had absolutely no impact on the daily life of anyone...so cest la vie really.

You got that right, random plane picture off Google Images

Upon returning to Satan's Playground, after the relaxed (see: eating and drinking myself into oblivion) happiness of being back home for Xmas, life has been a blur. I went straight back to work for a few days, then shot all weekend, then went back to work for a full week, then shot all weekend again, then booked a commercial, for which I had I to fly to Seattle for 4 days, then came home and got royally shitfaced. Santori times indeed.

First off I should report that we managed to finish principal photography on "Starving In Hollywood" - my beautifully insane little sketch show. Thus concluding one of the more stressful, challenging shoots I've ever embarked on. By the end of the second week (without having a day off) I was absolutely, mercilessly knackered beyond pale. However, the experience was completely and utterly worth it as we got more funny material in the can than I know what to do with. I've never worked with more talented actors. Everyone who came in to do even the smallest part was nothing short of magnificent - making already mildly offensive material positively appalling. I'd like to think this was down to the shrewdness of my directing skills, however I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Also included in these two weekends was the most efficient day of shooting I've ever had at the helm of a project. Nothing makes me happier than starting the day with a schedule in hand, utterly terrified at what's ahead, only to then find that everything goes smoother than you ever could've imagined, you've got all the coverage you wanted and you're wrapped precisely when you intended to be. It makes a man realise that he may not be as incompetent as once feared - a feeling that is indescribably great, my friends.

Then came the commercial and a trip to Seattle. This marked the first time I had ever shot "on location" and I must say that it is something I could get used to, and get used to quite quickly. To be paid handsomely to travel to place you've never been is literally everything I've ever wanted in life. Indeed there was a moment when filming our twelfth hour of the first day, freezing my tits off in the pissing rain when a huge grin stretched it's way across my face and I thought "blimey, I'm in f*cking SEATTLE!!!". It didn't help the scene much, but felt good nonetheless. I can't even imagine doing something like "Lord of the Rings". I'd have a permanent woody, I think.

Seattle - they love a good market

Also, I can't begin to tell you what a relief it was to just be an actor on a shoot - literally for the first time in ages. The first few hours I found myself inadvertently fretting about how everything would cut together, or whether we were on schedule, or whether the continuity was working, or whether barking dogs would ruin takes or blah blah blah. Then suddenly I realised I had nothing to do with that and should just relax and focus on being all handsome and hilarious. So I did. Sort of. Anyway, the crew I worked with up there really were some of the loveliest people I've ever come across and the whole experience was one of the better ones I've had. To top it all off, I had almost a full day to myself before I left to go and explore the city. And what a beautful city it is. I can't be arsed to go all "Lonely Planet" and extoll it's virtues here - you want that shit, go elsewhere hombre - but I will simply say, in my simplest Essex slang, it was the absolute bollocks.

All in all, as the title suggests, 2013 has been pretty excellent so far. More to come hopefully. Until then, good people of the interweb, here's a song that I have not been able to get out of my head for the past ten days. Enjoy.

Peace,

JB.

P.S - The Superbowl....pile of shite. That is all.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Well, here I am back in England where it's cold, rainy and dark. However the Christmas spirit is in full effect and drunkenly wandering around the streets of London last night made me realise what a beautiful city I live on the doorstep of.

Anyway, enough of that. Here is part one of The Star Wars Holiday Special - a two-hour xmas television event that aired back in 1977 (after 'A New Hope' became the biggest grossing film of all time). Words cannot begin to describe how hilariously shit this thing is, however when George Lucas himself says "If I had the time and a hammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it" you know it's going to be bad. After all, this is the same man who put out "A Phantom Menace".

Enough from me, just sit back and enjoy the brilliance...



JB.

Mired In Muck

Good day fellow Earth dwellers,

Once again (and I'm aware there is a recurring theme developing here) this blog has been sorely neglected, leaving my hordes of salivating fans hungry and desperate for new material. So, to the many thousands of you that have been in contact with not just myself but the world's media, I wholeheartedly apologise. However, in my defence, it has been a very busy time. When I'm not editing reels for the actors of this town, I am home and editing our sketch show - the mighty "Starving In Hollywood". Now, when writing and creating said show, I thought "oh, this will be easy, each item will be a pleasurable summer's breeze to edit. Then it will be simply a matter of putting them side by side and Robert's your mother's brother". This has proven to NOT be the case.

Never trust your television, kids. 

You see, when creating fake reality shows, games shows, commercials, music videos, news reports etc etc etc I had sorely neglected the need for Motion Graphics. Motion Graphics? What the feck is that? I hear you hark. Well, friends, it is essentially the combination of visual arts, animation and sound design which is, to my feeble brain, an abominable nightmare to edit. You see, it's not like editing a film, which is difficult enough, where there is a single narrative, and merely a manipulation of image and sound to create a story. Here you are doing that EVERY SINGLE TIME you begin a new sketch. Each one requires an almost ungodly amount of title cards, animated images, flashy, snazzy cuts, and all manner of visual and audio special effects.

A good, healthy, political debate

Some people reading that may think...piece of piss, what's he complaining about?...and to that I say, CALL ME. With immediate effect, as someone who actually knows how to do this stuff would be wonderful. However, as you might expect, these Motion Graphics chaps are in high demand and very short supply. So the burden has mostly fell on the shoulders of yours truly. Now, I'm not saying I mind, but yet again I find myself hopelessly in over my head and learning everything on the fly. The good thing is that it is all learnable and all of it is learnable in the bowels of youtube, where any question I may have is swiftly answered by a 12 year-old with a nifty "how to" video. Indeed it has been these interactions with the younglings of the interweb (take that how you will) which have slowly restored my faith in humanity. I think it speaks to the very best of human nature that these people spend hours toiling away finding out how to decipher this stuff, then have the good grace to put their findings online for simpletons like me to borrow and learn from. Those people should be the fibre of our society and lauded as such.

Perfectly normal...

The good news at the end of all this is that we are getting closer and closer to having a rather excellent series on our hands (at least...it makes me laugh) and something that will stand forever. I suppose that's the beauty of art isn't it? No matter how much toil and tyranny one suffers in creating it, when it's done, it's there forever - a capsule in time. It matters not that that time capsule may feature items such as "Willy Circus", "Dingo vs. Baby" and "Little Abortion Annie" it is still a time capsule nonetheless.

Love and other shite.

JB.

Things I Love: Breaking Bad

So, last night was the third episode of the fifth series of what is now, in my humble opinion, undisputedly the best TV show I have ever seen. I thought The Sopranos couldn't be topped. It has been. By this man...

For those who don't know, Breaking Bad is the story of one Walter White, a high-school chemistry teacher (slash genius) who is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Walt subsequently has what I will understatedly call "a bit of a breakdown" and, riddled with worry about his family's financial future, goes into the business of cooking Crystal Meth with a former student of his.

Thus he begins life as a drug dealer. What follows is an intriguing tale of a completely criminally inept man trying to hide his new business venture from his suspecting wife, his son and his DEA agent brother. All straight forward enough, right?

However, what elevates this show above your standard fare is the characters. Especially Walt, whose descent into the dark side is the single most perfectly written thing I've seen. There is so much room for error. So many opportunities for contrivance. So many chances to lose an audience with a "Oh, that would NEVER happen" type scenario (see: 'Lost') but not once does this happen. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Never have I found myself shouting "oh my god!" at the screen so many times throughout the story and never, most certainly in the latest episodes have I been so nervous watching everything unravel. That's the thing...you really shouldn't, but you really do care about what happens to these people, even peripheral figures. Everything is just so well executed that you can't help but find yourself right in the deep end, swimming through the murky waters of moral ambiguity along with everyone else. Every single story is on a knife-edge at all times, no-one can get out because everyone needs each other to survive. It is masterful storytelling folks, I tell thee.

Of course all of these wonderful characters would be nothing without great actors and it's no surprise that Bryan Cranston's portrayal of Walter White has won him every award under the sun (as has the brilliant Aaron Paul, as his sidekick, Jesse). Cranston is the best actor on TV. He goes from bumbling idiot to steel-eyed psycho so effortlessly and so subtly that it is doubly terrifying. Anna Gunn is great as his put-upon wife. Paul Schrader starts off as a boisterous, alpha-male knobhead as Hank, the DEA brother-in-law but he has evolved into something so much more. Bob Odenkirk as Saul, Jonathan Banks as the dead-eyed Mike, the list goes on and on. Everyone is incredible.

Also, the music, the guest stars, and, most notably, the cinematography are absolutely top draw. It looks like nothing else on TV, feels like nothing else on TV, is like nothing else on TV and frankly, I defy anyone not to get caught up in it after a few episodes.

In fact, why are you reading this? Go and watch it. Now!

JB.

Wheel Of Fortune

So, as we sit I am watching the mighty Wheel Of Fortune and just saw something too funny not to share: Round one. The first clue looked as follows...

D_GITAL  THER_O_TAT

When suddenly one contestant buzzed in and yelled "Thermometer!"

Ahhh humans, what will you come up with next?

JB.

Dialogue of the Day

"Oh my God, she's so hot. She's so flippin' hot. She's like a curry. I want to tell her how hot she is but she'll think I'm being sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist......bitch"

--From "Flight of the Conchords" (2007)

Well, it's official...

...the world is going to Hell. I have come to this conclusion upon hearing today that "The Only Way is Essex" won a BAFTA. Yes, an award from the British Academy of Film & Television. Yes, The Only Way Is Essex. No, sadly I'm not making this up.

"Okay guys, I want you to all pose like absolute vacuous, mindless, idio.....oh wait, that's perfect" *Click*

I give up. I really do. Rather than waste my energy indulging in an angry rant about this travesty, I'm just going to quietly go and stick my head in a microwave. Soon the brain cells will be distant memories.

JB.

Dialogue of the Day

"What do you fancy him for? He's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair, he looks like a Fisher Price man...and his rubbish clothes...makes me think there's something wrong with you for a start, yet in my head I'd still do you so I'm confused."

The irrepressible Gareth Keenan in "The Office"