Glastonbury 2010

This year I had to miss Glastonbury, which, as anyone who knows me knows, is probably my favourite place on earth...especially when the sun's out, as it was the entire time this year. Now, I'm not usually the jealous type but after hearing Radiohead played a secret acoustic show on the Park Stage I was filled with green envy and regret at not getting a ticket! Thus I have spent all morning watching performances. Stevie Wonder looked incredible, Faithless looked in good shape, Gorillaz did a sweet version of Clint Eastwood with Snoop Dogg, Mumford & Sons on the John Peel stage looked awesome but it was Muse looked like they kicked the most arse. Indeed, watching them reminded me of their star-making performance in 2004 on Sunday night. I was exhausted, wet, cold and covered in mud. Yet they still blew me away. Conclusion: definitely going next year.

Muse - Stockholm Syndrome (Glastonbury 2004)

Things I Love: Withnail and I

This week I finally got round to watching this cult classic. I wasn't really too excited by it's arrival (from Netflix) but one bored night I decided to give it a whirl. To my delight, I spent the next two hours absolutely pissing myself laughing - so much so that I immediately (the next night) watched it again. In fact I still haven't sent it back. The dialogue is some of the best I've ever seen in a film and taps into a certain delirious, eccentric British rhythm that is sorely lacking from our film industry these days. The characters, from Uncle Monty to The Poacher to the almighty Danny, are amazing. The performances from every actor in this film are outstanding, but Richard E. Grant's turn as Withnail is one of the best I've ever seen. Even more remarkable when you consider it was his first film and the fact that he is a teetotal non-smoker.

The entire film is pretty much a memorable quote fest, but my favourite (for now, at least) comes from Danny the Drug Dealer:

"If I medicined you, you'd think a brain tumor was a birthday present"

I advise everyone to go and watch this film...with immediate effect.

World Cup 2010: Round One Round-Up

So, we have reached the conclusion of round one of the 2010 World Cup. There have been controversies galore, upsets aplenty and England playing predictably shit. But what have we learned?...

1) If I had a choice between the sound of an orphanage burning down and that of the vuvuzela, the kiddies might want to check for the nearest exit.

2) World Cup referees are joyless, power-hungry, pedantic little nazi thugs who obviously get off on ruining everyone else's good time. Kaka, Berahmi, the entire US team, and especially Tim Cahill, should have no hesitation in fire-bombing the swine's houses.

3) Wayne Rooney, despite claiming otherwise, will always be a petulant little twat. I wouldn't mind if he hadn't resembled a drunken, one-legged donkey for most of the tournament thus far.

4) Argentina and Chile have, by some distance, been my favourite teams to watch. It's nice to see teams play with a bit of guile, invention and most of all, FUN! Bravo chaps.

5) The Jubulani ball is quite obviously as useful as a wet turd, as proven by the lack of quality goals. Fifa take note...making a ball lighter does not make it better.

6) According to a number of players, the latest development in human evolution is that the chest is now apparently directly connected to the very sensitive "face muscle" and upon impact causes an instant collapse to the floor and unbearable facial cramping. The only cure for this ailment is the sight of a red card.

7) Whereas Brazil, in World Cups past, used to have an air of otherworldly magic about them (particularly for me in 1994), now they just resemble another European team. Shame really.

8) Diego Maradona is a one-man entertainment machine. He was as a player, he was as a drug abuser, and now he's excelling himself as a manager. I'm not ashamed to say I love him. Oh and Lionel Messi, who is a genius.

9) Landon Donovan, already one of the most annoying humans alive (for reasons I can't quite put my finger on), essentially put England out of the tournament with his last-gasp winner against Algeria. Our path to the cup now consists of (assuming all teams who should win, do) Germany, Argentina, Spain and Brazil. Thanks a lot baldie!

10) Italy's demise was fun, that's a given. But nothing was more fun than watching the French team's implosion...you really can't write that stuff.

On to the last 16.

A Metaphor

As I sit writing this I'm looking out of my window at the Korean daycare centre across the road. There is a boy stood at the end of the playground closest to me. At the other end of the playground is a basketball hoop. The boy's challenge, so it would seem, is to let his basketball bounce once and punt it, with his foot - and I must stress that he is at least 30 yards away - into the hoop. So, upon watching this my obvious reaction was "oh yeah mate, that's going to happen". Yet still he stands there kicking, missing, retrieving and trying again in the vain hope of success. And despite having yet to succeed, he is still running around with all the enthusiasm of a new born lamb. So I suppose for this young chap the challenge itself is half the fun.

And what a feeling it would be if it went in.

Heroes to Humanity: #5 - John Williams

When searching for people who have undeniably shaped my formative years, look no further than the mighty John Williams. This man not only single-handedly provided the soundtrack for the first 10-15 years of my life, but was also the same man who ignited the love I have for films today.

Usually, my opinion on composers is "What is he doing though really? He's just waving his hands around like a nonce. Anyone can do that!"...or something equally belligerent. However, just looking at the man's track-record is proof that they must do something. Star Wars, E.T., Indiana Jones, Superman, Jurassic Park....the list of truly memorable theme songs go on and on and on.

However, thanks to Mr. Williams, whenever I am in the ocean and I go out to that point where my feet can no longer reach the bottom, I will always, until the day I die, hear this in my head:

Well played sir...well played.

Onwards! Upwards!

Yet again I have let this blog slip. So an update is most definitely in order. Firstly, my initial fervour of excitement at this year's World Cup has slowly dissipated over the last week. At the time of this writing, England have two draws to their name and need to beat Slovenia to get through to the next round. I'm not going to go into further detail as it will only piss me off.

So, to the good news. After getting a callback for a Microsoft commercial I went for a few weeks ago, I got a call Monday night saying I'd been put "On Avail" for the project. Of course, being the industry novice that I am, I had no idea what this meant so I blindly agreed and, upon hanging up the phone, quickly searched the trusted internet for answers. I found out that being "On Avail" essentially means you have passed the audition phase but haven't yet booked the job. You are thus somewhat in limbo. The job could be yours or it could go to some other mug leaving you exactly where you were in the first place so I don't really know what the point of it is but like I say, I'm just a novice. After reading various online articles prophesising things like "On avail's NEVER turn into jobs" etc, I feared the worst. However, to my surprise, the very next morning I got a call from the casting agency to say I got the job. The ace in the pocket being that this was a SAG project and I would be Taft-Hartley'd into becoming SAG-eligable. I was absolutely delighted, to say the least. I felt like this:

So, the shoot was Wednesday and I considered this my first real (see: paid anything more than 70 dollars for weird scientologist people) job. Now, I've had several 'jobs' in my lifetime; I can't remember ever having one which made me wake up at 4:30 in the morning from sheer excitement. I definitely can't remember having one where I was genuinely disappointed to be allowed to go home early. Nor can I remember feeling guilty at the end of the day for having been paid to have an amazing time. However, on this day all of those things happened. This leads me to believe I could finally be on the right career path! The crew was amazing, the food was free and thankfully someone with some artistic integrity (namely, the director) was on hand to tell wardrobe that I shouldn't have to wear a ridiculous England cap which made me look like an absolute twat. All in all, a huge success and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product.

So, I'm hoping to use this little stroke of fortune to score some meetings with agents and whatnot, and hopefully kick on from there. Hiiiiigh hooooo!

In other news, I know I said I wouldn't talk about it but I think I actually hate the England team! Honestly, that was single-handedly the worst performance I've ever.....no, I'm not going to bring the mood down. It's not worth the effort.

I finished this week by attending a voiceover class with the legendary Michael Bell, who is an absolute voice-changing wizard...I was in awe. There was me thinking I'd spend a leisurely Sunday afternoon idly listening to some acting chit chat and generally thinking the hours away, next thing I know, I'm doing monkey noises and performing a "creepy, obese, maniac" into a microphone on stage in front of a room full of people. Only in LA. It was fantastic though and an absolute pleasure to watch the master at work. Definitely an area I want to explore further...

That should bring us about up to speed. I did forget to mention that I spent all of yesterday holed up with some form of food poisoning, which wasn't pleasant. However, in the evening I managed to get through one sitting of one of my all time favourite films - Monty Python's "The Life Of Brian" - without throwing up. Always manages to put a smile on my face, that one. Especially this bit:

Peace and love my friends,

John.

P.S - England are sh*t and Rooney is a wanker. That's all I'm saying.

World Cup Fever

I tell you, much as I've tried to tell myself that I don't care about the world cup this year, much as I have been telling myself that Tottenham's magnificent season (by our standards, at least) has already overshadowed anything England could possibly achieve this summer, much as I've tried to write off the standard national-pride mongering that comes out of my native land this time every 4 years, much as I tried all of that...the moment I turned on the TV this morning and watched South Africa vs. Mexico I could not help it. My deep, deep love for the greatest tournament in the world re-surfaced like seeing an ex-girlfriend for the first time in years.

Thus, over the coming weeks I will include my favourite personal memories of previous World Cups (Warning: England will be featured heavily).

This one was the happiest and saddest I have ever been at a football match within a space of about three seconds. It was the 1998 quarter finals against Argentina. The game was deadlocked at 2-2. Beckham had been sent off, the odds were stacked against us and Sol Campbell at the time was England's #1 centre back, captain of Tottenham and own personal hero.

I was in the Fire & Firkin pub in Brentwood when it happened. The corner came in, bodies flew towards the ball. Sol rose majestically above everyone to nod magnificently into the enemy net. It was his first goal for England. We were suddenly 3-2 up with only a few minutes left. Victory was ours. Beer went flying, we all fell to the floor and, watching Sol reel away in celebration (see picture), I almost cried with happiness...it was beautiful.

However when I got myself up off the floor, I looked up to notice the game was still playing....the goal has been disallowed for a foul on the goalie by Alan Shearer. Cue the sound of god taking a dump on my heart. We went on to lose on penalties and I walked home drunk, smelly and covered in tears.

Like all good ex-girlfriends though, I still keep coming back for more.

Peace,

John.

Quote of the Day

Comes today from Flight of the Conchords:

Brett: I didn't mean to drive your car into the pool, I swear I put the handbrake on.

Jermaine: No, see, in this country the handbrake is on the other side.

Brett: Oh right, I must have just adjusted the seat then.

Sigh No More

Greetings Earthlings, I feel myself gradually falling behind with this here blog of mine, so I have decided to pick up the pace once again and since my last entry, there have been some interesting developments in my career (or lack thereof) and indeed my personal life.

First of all, word from Cannes was that "Lying Next To Larry" received several positive reviews. So that is good news. I'm not sure exactly what I expect to come from the whole thing, probably nothing directly I imagine, but it is certainly good to have on the old curriculum vitae and the whole experience has been nothing but positive.

Secondly, I went to my first "screening" last night (of something featuring me anyway) for "Speak Now". It was quite a thrill seeing myself on the big screen for the first time. Unfortunately though I could not get over the fact that I looked like a f**king swamp donkey in just about every shot. It really is awful seeing your own face blown up to that size! However, the good news was that we got some good laughs from the crowd and the footage will be great for my reel. Not many better feelings than hearing a room full of people appreciate a movie you're in.

Thirdly, I did another student film a while back and I have STILL not received a copy of my work, which was promised to me. This apparently is quite a common problem among ground level actors and honestly I find it somewhat despicable. No accounting for poor taste among fellow humans though, eh? Apparently there is a draft letter that exists for you to get them to sign and make everything legal. That might be something to keep in mind should you ever do a student film. Personally, I'm thinking the threat of ultraviolence might be the only answer to my own problem at this point...little pr*ck!

Finally, I have also written a short film, which I intend to film this month and I cannot wait to see how it turns out as I'm happy with the script and I'm going to have a fantastic crew of people on board. Watch this space, folks.

In personal news, I went to see my favourite new band on Friday night - the mighty Mumford & Sons. While I expected them to be good, I did not remotely prepare for what I saw. They were brilliant! It is an absolute joy to watch a group of passionate lads singing their hearts out and being humble enough to appreciate their situation at the same time. The highlight came when, after several crowd requests, the boys decided to try an acapella version of "Winter Winds" (a song they don't usually do on tour), stepping forward and singing and playing with no microphones. It was magic. Luckily I caught the moment on film:

Now, what made this night even more remarkable was the fact that a good friend of mine actually KNOWS the band, so I got to go backstage and meet them. It was pathetic. I was honestly carrying myself with all the dignity of a lovesick schoolboy. However, they were absolutely lovely chaps and it was a pleasure meeting them. I also met a certain persian prince, which was nice.

Saw "Get Him To The Greek" the other day. Although there were some pretty funny moments, all in all I was left a bit flat. However I always get inspired by seeing Russell Brand doing well for himself out here. After reading his "Booky Wook" it amazed me how similar mine and his upbringings were (apart from the Heroin addiction of course), and being both Essex boys, his success always sort of makes me feel like it's not all impossible, ya know?

So all in all it's been a good few days really. If someone could just give me a job now, life would be perfect.

Salutations,

John.

P.S - Still reading "Manufacturing Consent" by Chomsky...I highly recommend it. It's like getting unplugged from the Matrix.