A Metaphor

As I sit writing this I'm looking out of my window at the Korean daycare centre across the road. There is a boy stood at the end of the playground closest to me. At the other end of the playground is a basketball hoop. The boy's challenge, so it would seem, is to let his basketball bounce once and punt it, with his foot - and I must stress that he is at least 30 yards away - into the hoop. So, upon watching this my obvious reaction was "oh yeah mate, that's going to happen". Yet still he stands there kicking, missing, retrieving and trying again in the vain hope of success. And despite having yet to succeed, he is still running around with all the enthusiasm of a new born lamb. So I suppose for this young chap the challenge itself is half the fun.

And what a feeling it would be if it went in.

Heroes to Humanity: #5 - John Williams

When searching for people who have undeniably shaped my formative years, look no further than the mighty John Williams. This man not only single-handedly provided the soundtrack for the first 10-15 years of my life, but was also the same man who ignited the love I have for films today.

Usually, my opinion on composers is "What is he doing though really? He's just waving his hands around like a nonce. Anyone can do that!"...or something equally belligerent. However, just looking at the man's track-record is proof that they must do something. Star Wars, E.T., Indiana Jones, Superman, Jurassic Park....the list of truly memorable theme songs go on and on and on.

However, thanks to Mr. Williams, whenever I am in the ocean and I go out to that point where my feet can no longer reach the bottom, I will always, until the day I die, hear this in my head:

Well played sir...well played.

Onwards! Upwards!

Yet again I have let this blog slip. So an update is most definitely in order. Firstly, my initial fervour of excitement at this year's World Cup has slowly dissipated over the last week. At the time of this writing, England have two draws to their name and need to beat Slovenia to get through to the next round. I'm not going to go into further detail as it will only piss me off.

So, to the good news. After getting a callback for a Microsoft commercial I went for a few weeks ago, I got a call Monday night saying I'd been put "On Avail" for the project. Of course, being the industry novice that I am, I had no idea what this meant so I blindly agreed and, upon hanging up the phone, quickly searched the trusted internet for answers. I found out that being "On Avail" essentially means you have passed the audition phase but haven't yet booked the job. You are thus somewhat in limbo. The job could be yours or it could go to some other mug leaving you exactly where you were in the first place so I don't really know what the point of it is but like I say, I'm just a novice. After reading various online articles prophesising things like "On avail's NEVER turn into jobs" etc, I feared the worst. However, to my surprise, the very next morning I got a call from the casting agency to say I got the job. The ace in the pocket being that this was a SAG project and I would be Taft-Hartley'd into becoming SAG-eligable. I was absolutely delighted, to say the least. I felt like this:

So, the shoot was Wednesday and I considered this my first real (see: paid anything more than 70 dollars for weird scientologist people) job. Now, I've had several 'jobs' in my lifetime; I can't remember ever having one which made me wake up at 4:30 in the morning from sheer excitement. I definitely can't remember having one where I was genuinely disappointed to be allowed to go home early. Nor can I remember feeling guilty at the end of the day for having been paid to have an amazing time. However, on this day all of those things happened. This leads me to believe I could finally be on the right career path! The crew was amazing, the food was free and thankfully someone with some artistic integrity (namely, the director) was on hand to tell wardrobe that I shouldn't have to wear a ridiculous England cap which made me look like an absolute twat. All in all, a huge success and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product.

So, I'm hoping to use this little stroke of fortune to score some meetings with agents and whatnot, and hopefully kick on from there. Hiiiiigh hooooo!

In other news, I know I said I wouldn't talk about it but I think I actually hate the England team! Honestly, that was single-handedly the worst performance I've ever.....no, I'm not going to bring the mood down. It's not worth the effort.

I finished this week by attending a voiceover class with the legendary Michael Bell, who is an absolute voice-changing wizard...I was in awe. There was me thinking I'd spend a leisurely Sunday afternoon idly listening to some acting chit chat and generally thinking the hours away, next thing I know, I'm doing monkey noises and performing a "creepy, obese, maniac" into a microphone on stage in front of a room full of people. Only in LA. It was fantastic though and an absolute pleasure to watch the master at work. Definitely an area I want to explore further...

That should bring us about up to speed. I did forget to mention that I spent all of yesterday holed up with some form of food poisoning, which wasn't pleasant. However, in the evening I managed to get through one sitting of one of my all time favourite films - Monty Python's "The Life Of Brian" - without throwing up. Always manages to put a smile on my face, that one. Especially this bit:

Peace and love my friends,

John.

P.S - England are sh*t and Rooney is a wanker. That's all I'm saying.

World Cup Fever

I tell you, much as I've tried to tell myself that I don't care about the world cup this year, much as I have been telling myself that Tottenham's magnificent season (by our standards, at least) has already overshadowed anything England could possibly achieve this summer, much as I've tried to write off the standard national-pride mongering that comes out of my native land this time every 4 years, much as I tried all of that...the moment I turned on the TV this morning and watched South Africa vs. Mexico I could not help it. My deep, deep love for the greatest tournament in the world re-surfaced like seeing an ex-girlfriend for the first time in years.

Thus, over the coming weeks I will include my favourite personal memories of previous World Cups (Warning: England will be featured heavily).

This one was the happiest and saddest I have ever been at a football match within a space of about three seconds. It was the 1998 quarter finals against Argentina. The game was deadlocked at 2-2. Beckham had been sent off, the odds were stacked against us and Sol Campbell at the time was England's #1 centre back, captain of Tottenham and own personal hero.

I was in the Fire & Firkin pub in Brentwood when it happened. The corner came in, bodies flew towards the ball. Sol rose majestically above everyone to nod magnificently into the enemy net. It was his first goal for England. We were suddenly 3-2 up with only a few minutes left. Victory was ours. Beer went flying, we all fell to the floor and, watching Sol reel away in celebration (see picture), I almost cried with happiness...it was beautiful.

However when I got myself up off the floor, I looked up to notice the game was still playing....the goal has been disallowed for a foul on the goalie by Alan Shearer. Cue the sound of god taking a dump on my heart. We went on to lose on penalties and I walked home drunk, smelly and covered in tears.

Like all good ex-girlfriends though, I still keep coming back for more.

Peace,

John.

Quote of the Day

Comes today from Flight of the Conchords:

Brett: I didn't mean to drive your car into the pool, I swear I put the handbrake on.

Jermaine: No, see, in this country the handbrake is on the other side.

Brett: Oh right, I must have just adjusted the seat then.

Sigh No More

Greetings Earthlings, I feel myself gradually falling behind with this here blog of mine, so I have decided to pick up the pace once again and since my last entry, there have been some interesting developments in my career (or lack thereof) and indeed my personal life.

First of all, word from Cannes was that "Lying Next To Larry" received several positive reviews. So that is good news. I'm not sure exactly what I expect to come from the whole thing, probably nothing directly I imagine, but it is certainly good to have on the old curriculum vitae and the whole experience has been nothing but positive.

Secondly, I went to my first "screening" last night (of something featuring me anyway) for "Speak Now". It was quite a thrill seeing myself on the big screen for the first time. Unfortunately though I could not get over the fact that I looked like a f**king swamp donkey in just about every shot. It really is awful seeing your own face blown up to that size! However, the good news was that we got some good laughs from the crowd and the footage will be great for my reel. Not many better feelings than hearing a room full of people appreciate a movie you're in.

Thirdly, I did another student film a while back and I have STILL not received a copy of my work, which was promised to me. This apparently is quite a common problem among ground level actors and honestly I find it somewhat despicable. No accounting for poor taste among fellow humans though, eh? Apparently there is a draft letter that exists for you to get them to sign and make everything legal. That might be something to keep in mind should you ever do a student film. Personally, I'm thinking the threat of ultraviolence might be the only answer to my own problem at this point...little pr*ck!

Finally, I have also written a short film, which I intend to film this month and I cannot wait to see how it turns out as I'm happy with the script and I'm going to have a fantastic crew of people on board. Watch this space, folks.

In personal news, I went to see my favourite new band on Friday night - the mighty Mumford & Sons. While I expected them to be good, I did not remotely prepare for what I saw. They were brilliant! It is an absolute joy to watch a group of passionate lads singing their hearts out and being humble enough to appreciate their situation at the same time. The highlight came when, after several crowd requests, the boys decided to try an acapella version of "Winter Winds" (a song they don't usually do on tour), stepping forward and singing and playing with no microphones. It was magic. Luckily I caught the moment on film:

Now, what made this night even more remarkable was the fact that a good friend of mine actually KNOWS the band, so I got to go backstage and meet them. It was pathetic. I was honestly carrying myself with all the dignity of a lovesick schoolboy. However, they were absolutely lovely chaps and it was a pleasure meeting them. I also met a certain persian prince, which was nice.

Saw "Get Him To The Greek" the other day. Although there were some pretty funny moments, all in all I was left a bit flat. However I always get inspired by seeing Russell Brand doing well for himself out here. After reading his "Booky Wook" it amazed me how similar mine and his upbringings were (apart from the Heroin addiction of course), and being both Essex boys, his success always sort of makes me feel like it's not all impossible, ya know?

So all in all it's been a good few days really. If someone could just give me a job now, life would be perfect.

Salutations,

John.

P.S - Still reading "Manufacturing Consent" by Chomsky...I highly recommend it. It's like getting unplugged from the Matrix.

The Latest Scoop

It's been a while since my last update and plenty has been going on since then in the wonderful (see: marginally shite) land of Los Angeles.

I finally landed myself a semi-regular job, working for a catering firm. My first shift being at a ridiculously swanky country club on Santa Monica Beach. As I stood there, holding a bottle of wine which no-one on my table wanted, watching the sun go down behind the rolling hills of Malibu I couldn't help but think that there are definitely worse ways to make a living. Plus it feels very good to have some money coming in...I was getting greyer by the second!

I also landed my first paid acting job, which let me tell you is a great feeling. The job itself involved getting up at 4:30AM (!!!) and being on set for 5:30 for a shoot at...dun dun dun...the Church of Scientology. Yes, the massive blue one on Sunset Blvd. Now, while I am not at liberty to discuss my day there, not until my cheque clears anyway, let's just say "No comment" for the time being. I will however refer you to an episode of South Park called "Trapped in the Closet", and that's all I'm saying about that. More to follow.

After shooting "Speak Now" last weekend I was glad to hear that the sound for several scenes didn't come out as planned, thus I had to head to a recording studio (The Robert DeNiro suite to be exact - which really just consisted of a giant poster of Taxi Driver and a screensaver of the man himself) to do some ADR, as they say in the Biz. It was most fun. I think on some level I've always been drawn to the allure of a studio. Every time I'm on youtube I invariably end up watching my favourite musicians in the studio and it always looks like the most fun thing ever. Apart from, of course, Metallica's "Some Kind Of Monster" which looked about as much fun as a lobotomy. I have to say though that the process of re-recording your dialogue exactly as you had already said it on the day is a slightly odd experience. Especially hearing it played back on surround sound. With that said, it was still amazing.

In further news. I found out today that Wasted got rejected by the BBC. Not the biggest surprise I've ever had and now we're free to hit up every production company in London, and LA for that matter. Onwards and Upwards my friends.

I also finished reading my first play last night - Rosencrantz and Guildernstern are Dead" by Tom Stobbard. I almost did a scene from it in my acting class...thank god I didn't. It is bloody difficult material. However, it is utterly brilliant and I've decided that I have to be in a production of it before I pop me clogs. Most of my goals in life are propelled by an intense fear of death, it seems.

So that brings us just about up to speed, and here's a great song to mark the occassion:


Salute,

John.

Lyrics To Live By

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

(Mumford & Sons - After The Storm)

Actoring and Stuff

This weekend was one of the better ones I've had in my life. I spent it shooting "Speak Now" which is a film based on a play written by some bloke in Chicago. Anyway, I cannot begin to explain how much fun it is actually being part of a film set. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face all weekend. The highlight for me was when a group of little skateboard kids came to a grinding halt upon seeing us in action and practically yelled "Whoa! They're making a movie!". They then stood and watched for the next half an hour, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, bless 'em. Once they realised I wasn't anyone cool or interesting, they soon found better things to do, but it was nice while it lasted.

The entire time I was on set, whether rehearsing, picking the crew's collective brain for information, analysing camera techniques, filming, or just farting around playing jokes on people, all I kept thinking to myself was "Bloody hell, this is the best job in the world!" not that I was getting paid for this particular effort, but people do get paid...a lot of f**king money...to do this. That, my friends, is enough to keep me chugging along.

In other news, I have finally taken the plunge and got myself a Netflix account. Mixed feelings thus far. On the one hand, I can watch any film or TV programme I want, at any time I want, for 8 dollars a month. On the other hand, my productivity levels have plummeted since signing up. Always a double-edged sword isn't it? The best thing I've seen so far is Woody Allen's "Hannah and Her Sisters", which is utterly brilliant in every way. I think Woody has now pushed his way to number 1 on my list of people I would give my right ball to work with. Here is one of many great quotes from that film:

"You see the whole culture. Nazis, deodorant salesmen, wrestlers, beauty contests, a talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up".

(Frederick on watching TV)

Peace,

John.

Stop. Look Around.

Life. Funny old game ain't it? (As my Grandad used to say).

While I do agree wholeheartedly with this statement, I'd go one step further and say that life without focus is an even funnier old game. Being the unemployed swine that I am, having a lack of focus has become a daily problem and life taken on a whole new meaning. It's a coin toss whether I'm going to wake up happy and inspired or hopelessly un-motivated and miserable. It's an odd thing and when it happens and there is seemingly nothing you can do about it.

Or so I thought.


Around midweek, surrounded by piles of food-encrusted unwashed dishes, dirty laundry and Batman comics, a very important realisation hit me like a diamond bullet right through the forehand (to quote Colonel Kurtz). After reading a very interesting book on eastern philosophy, namely: Taoism, I realised that my problem is over-thinking. About the future, about the past, about women, about friends, about enemies, about life, about death, about food, about drink, about what I'm doing right, about what I'm doing wrong, about England's world cup chances, about my head being too big, about missing home, about not being funny, about not being clever, about my car being too expensive, and on and on and on and on and before long you look like this:


Then, I realised that none of that matters. Not one bit of it. Nothing. Nada. Nil. Zip. Zilcho. All that matters is Now; being present and enjoying the fruits of what's directly in front of you. It's so easy to get caught up in that other shite and spend your entire existence reaching for something that you forget what's already there. And what's already there is you. Life's complicated enough, without our brain's constantly clapping away like an over-eager seal. Thus, by bringing the focus back to you, and you at this moment in time - ignoring the past, forgetting the future - you start to feel alive. That's why it's called "The Present", because it's a gift. Get it? I do love a good cliche!

To get even more pragmatic and less philosophical, it can also be defined like this: Say you have a list of 150,000 things to do to get your career moving, as I definitely do, looking through that list as a whole will no doubt be intimidating and send you running for the hills. Or, in my case, to my sofa for a marathon F**k The World / Beer & Cake / "Lord Of The Rings" session. However, if you just start at number 1 on that list and concentrate solely on completing that task, even if it's just 'have a shower', it is infinitely more manageable (and doesn't make me want to pull my hair out and scream "death you are my bitch lover!").

Lo and behold, by focusing on what's in front of me I started taking care of business, one item at a time. If you just do what's in front of you, the task at hand, then the next and the next, life becomes alot more simple and the next thing you know, you're moving forward, gathering pace all the time. Personally I got immediately back into the banality of looking for a job, getting an agent, and finishing my latest screenplay which I've been working on for god knows how long. Funny how that works, isn't it? I've even started working out, one rep at a time (or if I'm doing pull-ups, just one rep). And the good thing is, it's not about whether it will pay off in the future by way of becoming mega-successful or rich or handsome, it's paying off right at the very moment you start doing it, so enjoy it.

Speaking of enjoying stuff, this is the funniest music video ever and is my gift to you (please take extra note of George's "Rat Tail"):



Peace,

John.