Writer's Block

Frustrated? Yes. Angry? Indeed I am. Confused? Abso-f**king-lutely Bob!

The reason for these feelings is simple. I have recently decided, in a moment of searing clarity, that the sit-com my writing partner and I have written needs to be on TV...at once. Thus I decided to begin contacting people in London who could make this happen. To say I have been so far disappointed would be a gross understatement.

My instincts told me that the pertinent place to begin this epic journey would of course be production companies. So I went about emailing every company I could find. The response was swift and deadly. "No...f*ck off" being the most common response. Or, more accurately, "Mr. Byford, thank you for your spectacularly charming correspondence, however we at (fill in blank) do not accept unsolicited scripts unless from an agent or an industry professional. P.S - You are extremely handsome and well hung."

So, of course, common logic would dictate that the next place to look would be literary agencies, in order to get our pilot in the right hands. Therefore, I dusted off my copy of "The Writers' & Artists' Yearbook" and went to work. However, I have so far (I'm at the letter 'D' in the list) been frustrated to find exactly the same response from agents - that response being that they also do not accept unsolicited scripts, or they will only if accompanied by a letter of recommendation from a recognised industry person. Even more perplexing is the fact that a number of them have asked for a CV showing my previously published works...and I'll explain why.

You see, here's my problem (and I'm sure you can by now tell where I'm going with this)...if TV companies only accept scripts from production companies, and production companies only accept scripts from agents, and agents only accept scripts from their already established clients, then where the f**k does that leave me??? It's not like I can quickly run through my phone and call up sodding Elton John is it? "Yes, Elton old buddy old pal. You wouldn't mind being a dear and typing me a letter of recommendation so I can get this blasted TV Show off the ground, would you?"

It's like having a big glass wall in front of you. You can see through to the other side, look at them all having fun chinking champagne glasses and living the dream, my dream, but you cannot get in. There's no door. Nothing to even knock on, let alone be heard from.

I might be sounding somewhat defeatist, but I'm not. I honestly don't care if you put an army of heavily armed, land-dwelling robotic sharks from the future in front of me, it's happening one way or the other. My gripe is with the absolute twisted logic of this process. If you were to take the information I have recently found as red - i.e. absolutely objective - then it would be impossible for a CV to be built or any new ideas to ever see the light of day or indeed any unknown writers to ever get a break. Luckily for me, I am naive and stupid not to let this put me off. I mean, at the end of the day the worst they can do is tell me to sling it. It just upsets me that the industry itself seems to be geared towards producing essentially "cash cows", meaning in this case safe options that they know will succeed and keep the cheques rolling in. From a business standpoint, this makes sense. From an artistic one, it makes none. (As proven time and again)

So, I have decided that one day in the future when I am nice and successful, I intend fully to start a company which will be solely dedicated to the nurturing and procuring of new ideas from absolute unknowns like myself. You can quote me on that friends.

Fight the power!

John.