Snakes and Ladders

To say the past week has been eventful would be an understatement. After an absolutely wonderful trip back to England I flew back to LA, exhausted and extremely jet-lagged, only to immediately find myself sent out on several auditions. The best of which involved me jumping on the hood of a fake car and declaring my undying love for a 'fair maiden'. After six takes of that I found myself covered in bruises and limping out of the casting office like a WW2 veteran, mumbling about having "hun shrapnel in my arse". Hopefully it'll be worth it as a national commercial (and the financial trappings associated with such an event) would be most welcome. Another audition involved the indignity of once again adopting an American accent for the entire thing. I'm getting rather good at it now but it's just so....wrong. One day they'll love me for who I am, I'm sure.

So that takes care of what's been happening at the bottom of the barrel, now let us focus on the other end of the spectrum and to the 83rd Academy Awards we go. Literally, in my case.

Yes folks, last night I had the pleasure of attending my first Oscar ceremony. Well, not quite attending per se. Well, not attending at all if truth be told. In fact, I was a waiter at the famed Governor's Ball - where all attendees head to directly after the show to be fed, watered and generally gushed over.

It was all very exciting. Getting to our "rendezvous point", getting bussed in en masse (the thrill of going past the road barriers and through the red carpet area being a particular highlight), getting searched by security, then again, then again, and one more time for luck before finally getting inside the prestigious event. Once inside it was business as usual in the catering world...essentially lot's of people running around like headless chicken's and frantically yelling "Smile! Have a good time!" while having an apparent breakdown. However, after we set up and positioned ourselves for the guests' arrival the excitement in the air was palpable. Not five minutes after the Best Picture was announced, our room was filled with the cream of the film industry. Not just actors either but some of the finest directors, writers and cinematographers the world has to offer. I won't name drop but suffice to say a wonderful time was had by me and my perverted eyes.

As for the results, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of national pride at watching The King's Speech sweep the board, despite me having absolutely nothing to do with the making or production of that film. However I must add that I feel The Social Network will be the film to stand the test of time as a landmark achievement. What do I know though, eh?

Alright fine, I'll drop one name...Natalie Portman. We crossed paths in a random walkway outside the event. I literally almost passed out. She is even more gorgeous in the flesh than on celluloid. Sadly, she did not feel the same way about me and my hope of a healthy and happy future together did not materialise. Largely due to the fact her boyfriend (the bastard!) was by her side. Personally though I think she's just playing hard to get.

What an absolute goddess of a woman. A pregnant one at that.

Anyway, congrats to all the winners. Congrats to all the losers too because you're a fuck sight further up the tree than I am. One day I'll get there I'm sure, but until that day I shall continue being what Darwin refers to as a "bottom feeder".

Peace,

JB.