Snakes and Ladders

To say the past week has been eventful would be an understatement. After an absolutely wonderful trip back to England I flew back to LA, exhausted and extremely jet-lagged, only to immediately find myself sent out on several auditions. The best of which involved me jumping on the hood of a fake car and declaring my undying love for a 'fair maiden'. After six takes of that I found myself covered in bruises and limping out of the casting office like a WW2 veteran, mumbling about having "hun shrapnel in my arse". Hopefully it'll be worth it as a national commercial (and the financial trappings associated with such an event) would be most welcome. Another audition involved the indignity of once again adopting an American accent for the entire thing. I'm getting rather good at it now but it's just so....wrong. One day they'll love me for who I am, I'm sure.

So that takes care of what's been happening at the bottom of the barrel, now let us focus on the other end of the spectrum and to the 83rd Academy Awards we go. Literally, in my case.

Yes folks, last night I had the pleasure of attending my first Oscar ceremony. Well, not quite attending per se. Well, not attending at all if truth be told. In fact, I was a waiter at the famed Governor's Ball - where all attendees head to directly after the show to be fed, watered and generally gushed over.

It was all very exciting. Getting to our "rendezvous point", getting bussed in en masse (the thrill of going past the road barriers and through the red carpet area being a particular highlight), getting searched by security, then again, then again, and one more time for luck before finally getting inside the prestigious event. Once inside it was business as usual in the catering world...essentially lot's of people running around like headless chicken's and frantically yelling "Smile! Have a good time!" while having an apparent breakdown. However, after we set up and positioned ourselves for the guests' arrival the excitement in the air was palpable. Not five minutes after the Best Picture was announced, our room was filled with the cream of the film industry. Not just actors either but some of the finest directors, writers and cinematographers the world has to offer. I won't name drop but suffice to say a wonderful time was had by me and my perverted eyes.

As for the results, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of national pride at watching The King's Speech sweep the board, despite me having absolutely nothing to do with the making or production of that film. However I must add that I feel The Social Network will be the film to stand the test of time as a landmark achievement. What do I know though, eh?

Alright fine, I'll drop one name...Natalie Portman. We crossed paths in a random walkway outside the event. I literally almost passed out. She is even more gorgeous in the flesh than on celluloid. Sadly, she did not feel the same way about me and my hope of a healthy and happy future together did not materialise. Largely due to the fact her boyfriend (the bastard!) was by her side. Personally though I think she's just playing hard to get.

What an absolute goddess of a woman. A pregnant one at that.

Anyway, congrats to all the winners. Congrats to all the losers too because you're a fuck sight further up the tree than I am. One day I'll get there I'm sure, but until that day I shall continue being what Darwin refers to as a "bottom feeder".

Peace,

JB.

The King Of Limbs

This week it was announced that Radiohead would be releasing their new album on February 19th. Cue lot's of gurning and groin stiffness from yours truly.

However, the even better news came that it would be released a day early so I have had it in my possession for almost 24 hours now. My first thoughts are that I will need many more listens before I can really give it a just review, however initially I love the atmospheric feel to it and the artwork is sublime. I just wish there was more than 8 tracks. "Codex" is probably my favorite thus far...beautiful.

Also, this video is creepy beyond belief:

More to follow...

JB.

Tunes Currently Tossing My Salad

1) Shadowboxin' - GZA (feat. Method Man)
2) Sir Psycho Sexy - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
3) Old Man (Live at Massey Hall) - Neil Young
4) Cymbal Rush - Thom Yorke
5) Drive - R.E.M.
6) Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine - The White Stripes
7) Robbers - Cold War Kids
8) Power - Kanye West
9) Mockingbird - The Libertines
10) Basic Space - The XX

JB.

BOR-ING...

According to a BBC article I read this morning, the evolution of technology around us is causing our brains to begin functioning differently. A new ailment has surfaced called D.A.D. - Divided Attention Disorder to you and I.

In layman terms, this condition essentially means that due to the now ungodly amount of hours we, the human race, now spend online, our attention spans have become so miniscule that we can barely function in the real world. For example, while "browsing", we will often open another 'tab' while waiting for something to load. Or, while reading an article, if a reference is mentioned, another tab will be opened to seek out the meaning of said reference. And so on. The argument is that this thinking has spilled over into our 'non-online' life and I have to say it's quite true...I have fallen victim to D.A.D. myself.

For weeks now I have been trying to read Franz Kafka's "The Trial". It's not a long book. It's not written in Arabic. It's not boring by any means. In fact, the storyline and mood of the piece is right up my street. However, every time I sit down to read the bastard thing, my iPhone starts staring at me. "John" it whispers "You know you I can show you pictures of women's boobies, don't you? Or the starting line-up for Tottenham's 1991 F.A. Cup win? You should at least check your Facebook to see what's going on with your friends, shouldn't you? Whatever you need, I can find it for you." In a voice which I imagine to be similar to the snake in The Jungle Book.

Then I turn to my laptop..."John, you still haven't finished watching Lost. Don't you want to know who Jacob isssssss?"

Let's see...instant gratification vs. slow-burning literary masterpiece? Concentration vs. Mindless entertainment? Words vs. Boobies? No contest. The book becomes a tea coaster once more.

However, as a rebuttal to this new disease, I have decided to limit my online activity to one hour a day and I must, repeat must, finish this book before I go back to England (Feb. 15th). The road will not be easy, but with the right amount of Ritalin, Coffee and Willpower I think I can beat this ungodly monster.

I'll keep you posted with regular updates on Twitter.

Love,

Juan.

Protect Ya Neck

This makes me want to uppercut a kitten:

Peace,

JB.

From The Grunts to the Golden Goose

"I don't see and American Dream; I see an American nightmare" (Malcolm X)

In March of last year I was falsely pulled over by an LAPD officer and ticketed for a violation which would cost me 500 dollars if I decided not to fight it. I decided to fight it.

Six months later I find myself at the Metropolitan Court House in downtown LA. I go to park. It costs 9 dollars. I then go to enter the courthouse itself for my arraignment. The cue stretches around the block twice. I am told in no uncertain terms that if I miss my arraignment it is my problem and I would have to suffer the consequences. Luckily my utter mistrust of the "justice" system meant I was there hours early anyway so I stood in line and waited...and waited...and waited.

THREE HOURS LATER I was allowed entrance into the courthouse. I then had to sit for another three hours in a courtroom before I was allowed to stand before a judge, be read my case and say the words "not guilty". However I still had to pay my 'bail amount' in full otherwise, I was told, I would be classed as skipping bail, thus negating my right to a fair trial. So I was forced, this despite being entirely 100% innocent of any violation, to put 500 dollars on my credit card.

A month after that (December 10th, 2010) I had to go again to stand trial. Another 9 dollars for parking, another long wait as the judge systematically handed out punishment to 98% of the people in the room and another frustrating experience. That was until I was finally called to the stand. I won with ease as the case was utterly fraudulent in the first place. My joy was almost unbridled, at least for about half a minute before the judge informed me that my reimbursement would take 6-8 weeks. 6-8 weeks?!

It takes two seconds for them to remove the money, money which I have worked hard for, from my account. Yet it takes them two months to return it? To me? An innocent man found so by a court of law.

That 8 weeks has now been and gone and still there is no sign of my money. I have spent countless time listening to automated responses, listening to empty dial-tones and being put on hold only to eventually find out that my cheque will in fact be taking another 4-6 weeks to come through for no reason other than what was described to me as a "backlogue". When I furiously, and quite rightly protested this I was instantly, without explanation, put back on hold. As I write this I have been on hold for 16 minutes, 11 seconds and counting.

This entire process has made me see just how hypocritical, brutal and unjust the judicial system is...and to think, this is for a traffic violation. I shudder to think what would happen on a more serious charge. It just so happens also that I am a fortunate middle class whiteboy with the financial means to hop over these obstacles. By which I mean, I can put 500 dollars on a credit card and I won't starve while waiting to get it back. However, 90% of people I came across in that courthouse were certainly not middle class, well-to-do, white chappies from England, but poor as shite downtown residents. How are they expected to deal with such a financial loss? To some, most in fact, people from one of the poorest districts in LA, five hundred dollars is alot of money. Oh wait that's right, no-one gives a shit. It's their problem.

I was born in a democratic nation, I migrated to a democratic nation. We are both allied in our beliefs of freedom, liberty and justice for all, or some bollocks. From where I'm standing, the whole core of democracy is that it's supposed to be based on fairness and humanity. We are supposed to have a voice. As I'm sitting here, listening to the intermittent beeping of my phone still on hold (19 mins, 46 secs & counting) I'm wondering if this whole situation seems fair at all...and where exactly my voice is supposed to be heard?

The answer is almost to grim to bear.

Peace and love,

JB.

P.S - I'm still on hold.

Quick As A Flash

Bloody hell, it's February already. Where does the time go? Well, I'll tell you shall I?

Mostly, it has gone towards watching "Lost" which was by far the best television show I have ever seen, up until the start of series 5. At which point I found myself dribbling, brain matter pouring out of my ear, and mumbling "what's...going on?". It's started to get back to it's genius best again but it's still very confusing. What a show though. Almost every episode just leaves you with a sucker punch to the gut, thus compelling you to continue watching, which, thanks to Netflix, I can do immediately. I imagine this is how Heroin addiction feels, but I may be trivialising it slightly.

Also, more good news came by way of going on some pretty big auditions and getting signed to a very reputable 'commercial' agent (adverts to the English folk of the world). Much as hawking someone's product like a prize bellend is against my entire life ethos, I've conceded that, at this point in my career at least, the earning potential is just too good to refuse. I also read for a comedy pilot, which was a sort of modern day Naked Gun. So, for a brief moment in time, I got to be Frank Drebben, which was by default a lifetime achievement. Speaking of that audition, I can't explain how satisfying it is going into a room where the director actually takes the time to try and get the best out of you, as opposed to feeling like you're wasting their valuable time and they can't wait to go home and w**k over portraits of themselves...or whatever it is they do. Just by having that dynamic, one where everyone in the room cares about getting a performance out of you, it allows you to relax and do your best work. Sadly this is often the exception rather than the rule.

I've also been working to get my film finished. My editor has pretty much spent all his time so far fixing things that I buggered up royally but we're getting there. Apparently in converting all my raw footage into Final Cut Express (not pro, which should have been used....lesson learned) I managed to down-convert all my lovely HD footage to some pikey, just-a-shade-above-camcorder quality. Whoops. See, this is why it pays to have professionals on board. Even just sitting with Tim when he does the business, it's almost like getting a free Film School education. I've been learning all sorts of technical info which I couldn't begin to start writing here but suffice to say it'll come in very handy with future projects. Instances where I feel like a clueless simpleton have also become commonplace.

Other than that, I've kept to a regular diet of work, food, drink, exercise (despite the arseholery of everyone at my gym) and watching films. Only Black Swan remains on my list of Oscar contenders that I haven't seen. I think I'm still pissed off at the Portman for getting knocked up by someone other than me. She'll come to her senses one day. Oh and, if you can tolerate the satanic bile coming out of Piers Morgan's facial orifice, I found a wonderful interview with Ricky Gervais after the hoo-ha about his Golden Globes hosting. Be warned though, Morgan is an almost intolerable swine.

Ricky Gervais on Piers Morgan tonight

Also, been listening to alot of Otis Redding lately for some reason. Legend. I would kill to have his voice:

Otis Redding - These Arms of Mine

Peace,

John.