And The Spurs Go Marching On

Penalty courtesy of Mr. Myagi

Today I could not be happier. For those who don't know, today Tottenham Hotspur FC, aka Spurs, aka the bane of my existence for the last 29 years, polished off Young Boys (which isn't a euphemism) 4-0 to qualify for the Champions League group stages for the first time since 1961. Nineteen. Sixty. One!

The letdowns from the past are all forgiven, all those hours I've spent freezing my bollocks off in the rain watching us get dominated, all the jibes I've had to put up with from Arsenal supporters, all those letdowns, all those disappointments, all the Ruel Fox's, Andy Sinton's and Ramon Vega's...they're all worth it just for feelings like today. Bravo boys, I'm proud of you all.

To Peter Crouch...you are a lanky legend sir.

Fingers crossed for Real Madrid in the draw tomorrow.

"GLORY GLORY TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR"

Peace,

John.

Summer Days

Ahhhh, this takes me back.

Quote of the Day

"Kids, you tried and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

(Homer Simpson)

Things I Love: Swingers

I remember vividly the first time I even heard about this film. I was in my first year at university and my dear friend (and then room-mate) Adam had watched it one night after I went to bed. The next day he could not stop raving about it, telling me that I simply have to watch it as I would love it and then end scene was almost a direct reflection of an incident that happened in my life. I didn't really pay this much attention, I didn't really pay attention to much at all back then if I'm honest.

However, Christmas rolled around and I bought a VHS copy with my 10 quid HMV voucher. From the first time I laid eyes on it, I absolutely loved it. Not only was it hilarious, poignant and clever, but it was literally like watching an American manifestation of my life up until that point. It is the one film that single-handedly inspired me to write a book (although it took a bloody long time), and want to become an actor and a film-maker. I watched it last night for the first time since I moved to LA and it was like seeing it all again with a fresh pair of eyes. I have now been to most of the places they frequent in the movie and I finally got subtle inside jokes like - "818?"..."No. 310"..."Ooo nice." I'm cool, I know.

Almost as interesting as the film itself is the story of how it got made, which is absolutely remarkable. Made on a budget of 200 grand. Shot in bars/casinos/parties that were open and full of real people. Rejected by film festivals all over. Until it finally showed at a private screening (funded by the cast & crew) and subsequently got picked up, single-handedly launching the careers of Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau, Ron Livingston, Heather Graham and Doug Liman in the process.

Just goes to show, if you're money and you're like a big bear with big f**king claws and big f**king fangs, anything is possible.

P.S. - The last scene really did happen to me. Not exactly but pretty damn similar. Extremely embarrassing.

Writer's Block

Frustrated? Yes. Angry? Indeed I am. Confused? Abso-f**king-lutely Bob!

The reason for these feelings is simple. I have recently decided, in a moment of searing clarity, that the sit-com my writing partner and I have written needs to be on TV...at once. Thus I decided to begin contacting people in London who could make this happen. To say I have been so far disappointed would be a gross understatement.

My instincts told me that the pertinent place to begin this epic journey would of course be production companies. So I went about emailing every company I could find. The response was swift and deadly. "No...f*ck off" being the most common response. Or, more accurately, "Mr. Byford, thank you for your spectacularly charming correspondence, however we at (fill in blank) do not accept unsolicited scripts unless from an agent or an industry professional. P.S - You are extremely handsome and well hung."

So, of course, common logic would dictate that the next place to look would be literary agencies, in order to get our pilot in the right hands. Therefore, I dusted off my copy of "The Writers' & Artists' Yearbook" and went to work. However, I have so far (I'm at the letter 'D' in the list) been frustrated to find exactly the same response from agents - that response being that they also do not accept unsolicited scripts, or they will only if accompanied by a letter of recommendation from a recognised industry person. Even more perplexing is the fact that a number of them have asked for a CV showing my previously published works...and I'll explain why.

You see, here's my problem (and I'm sure you can by now tell where I'm going with this)...if TV companies only accept scripts from production companies, and production companies only accept scripts from agents, and agents only accept scripts from their already established clients, then where the f**k does that leave me??? It's not like I can quickly run through my phone and call up sodding Elton John is it? "Yes, Elton old buddy old pal. You wouldn't mind being a dear and typing me a letter of recommendation so I can get this blasted TV Show off the ground, would you?"

It's like having a big glass wall in front of you. You can see through to the other side, look at them all having fun chinking champagne glasses and living the dream, my dream, but you cannot get in. There's no door. Nothing to even knock on, let alone be heard from.

I might be sounding somewhat defeatist, but I'm not. I honestly don't care if you put an army of heavily armed, land-dwelling robotic sharks from the future in front of me, it's happening one way or the other. My gripe is with the absolute twisted logic of this process. If you were to take the information I have recently found as red - i.e. absolutely objective - then it would be impossible for a CV to be built or any new ideas to ever see the light of day or indeed any unknown writers to ever get a break. Luckily for me, I am naive and stupid not to let this put me off. I mean, at the end of the day the worst they can do is tell me to sling it. It just upsets me that the industry itself seems to be geared towards producing essentially "cash cows", meaning in this case safe options that they know will succeed and keep the cheques rolling in. From a business standpoint, this makes sense. From an artistic one, it makes none. (As proven time and again)

So, I have decided that one day in the future when I am nice and successful, I intend fully to start a company which will be solely dedicated to the nurturing and procuring of new ideas from absolute unknowns like myself. You can quote me on that friends.

Fight the power!

John.

Heroes To Humanity: #68 - Jim Morrison

After getting extremely drunk on whiskey and beer last night, I have spent today immersed in things I'm interested in. Namely, The Doors. The perfect hangover band.

I began by watching "When You're Strange" which is a very interesting, somewhat surreal documentary about The Doors. While they have always been one of my all time favourite bands, I never really knew much about their story. Well, their story is really the story of one man...Jim Morrison. When the band formed in 1965, he was a quiet, shy military-raised kid who would turn his back on the audience from fear. By 1966, he was the swaggering, shirtless, rock-god we all know and love today. Watching him gyrate around the stage like a possessed shaman, howling out classics like "Break On Through" it became immediately apparent to me that they just do not make rock stars like this any more. All of the Justin Bieber's, Kesha's, and Miley Cyrus' of the world should hang their little corporate, vacant heads in shame.

R.I.P - Mr. Mojo Risin'

The Doors - "LA Woman"

Lyrics To Live By

"Been working for the church
While your life falls apart
Singing hallelujah with the fear in your heart
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home
Hear the soldier groan, "We'll go at it alone"

(Arcade Fire - "Intervention")

Terrible Films (continued...)

By popular demand, well two people technically, I have decided to expand my all time worst films to a list of 10. Now, Magnolia is off the list because it has yet to stand the test of time. I have also excluded shite which no-one would expect to be good in the first place ('You Got Served', Spiceworld, Boat Trip etc.) So, in ascending order once again:

10) Tommy Boy (1995) - Oh I get it, a fat bloke and a skinny bloke together in the same film is HILARIOUS! Except it's not, is it. If someone could explain how this film is considered "comedy" I'd really appreciate it. Also, could you please explain how David Spade has had a career? Thanks.

9) The Matrix Revolutions (2003) - Yay! Zion is saved! Oh wait...I couldn't give a f**k. So bad that it managed to ruin the once-brilliant first film all on it's own accord. Just bile-inducing from beginning to end. Also features the most pointless fight ever.

8) Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) - Why would you do that to us, George? Why? Why would you want to take something sacred and holy and shit all over it, viciously raping it until it's last dollar falls into your lap? Jar Jar Binks, George? Why, George? Why?

7) Deep Blue Sea (1999) - This film is almost redeemed by the scene where Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten, mid-inspiring speech. However, this moment of hilarity is quickly off-set by sharks that can twist bolts, open locked doors, read, write, play the guitar etc. and LL Cool J killing the final shark with his "bling". A turkey for the ages.

6) Miami Vice (2006) - This Michael Mann re-make of the TV series is deeply, epicly, crap. The plot is...well...there is no plot. The 'action scenes' look like I shot them on my phone and it features one of the most wooden (but actually hilarious) love stories of all time, including Colin Farrell prancing about spouting absurd one-liners like "We made moves on each other". Garbage.

I need a shower.

John.

Avoid At All Costs

Last night I had the displeasure of watching Paul Thomas Andersen's "Magnolia". I had high hopes for this piece. A stellar ensemble cast, a "genius" director, critics lavishing it with praise, I thought "how could this possibly go wrong?". Well let me tell you friends, not only did it go wrong, but this bloated, ridiculously pretentious monstrosity instantly arrowed it's way into my top worst films of all time. 180 long minutes of actors "being intense", people coping with "life's big questions", and a nice shower of frogs at the climax. I think the last 45 minutes were literally just various people crying. Utter tripe. The low-light really came for me when all of these intensely troubled, deliberately morose, poorly developed characters, in the depths of their despair, all sing along to the same f**king song! Despite being in different locations and totally unaware of each other's existence!! Awful bloody film. Although Tom Cruise was quite good, I'll give him that.

So, unable to regain that three hours (yes THREE) I sat and pondered what the worst films I'd ever seen were. I think I got it down to the following list. In ascending order:

5) Batman & Robin (1997) - Clooney's absolute non-attempt to play anything other than George Clooney...in a rubber suit. Mr. Freeze. Ice-skating baddies. Robin! Batgirl!!! The list goes on. Thank god for Christopher Nolan.

4) Little Nicky (2000) - It's Adam Sandler's worst film. Which is a bit like listing Hitler's worst crime. If you laughed at this film I suggest you go and take a long look in the mirror.

3) Independence Day (1996) - The president of the United States fighting Aliens? F**k right off.

2) Elizabethtown (2005) - I remember watching this film, getting about half way through and realising that I had absent-mindedly eaten my own leg. Cameron Crowe hang your head in shame.

1) Brothers (2000) - Not the recent one with Jake Gyllennhall and my wife, but the UK one made about 10 years ago. My cousin (pictured here giving someone a stern talking to) lent this dvd to me, calling it the "best British film since Lock, Stock...". About an hour in, I contemplated executing him for his own good. Luckily it was a practical joke. This film truly has to be seen to be believed.

Rant over.

John.

Double Rainbow:

I really want to hang out with this bloke:



Hilarious, I think you'll agree.

John.