The Latest Scoop

It's been a while since my last update and plenty has been going on since then in the wonderful (see: marginally shite) land of Los Angeles.

I finally landed myself a semi-regular job, working for a catering firm. My first shift being at a ridiculously swanky country club on Santa Monica Beach. As I stood there, holding a bottle of wine which no-one on my table wanted, watching the sun go down behind the rolling hills of Malibu I couldn't help but think that there are definitely worse ways to make a living. Plus it feels very good to have some money coming in...I was getting greyer by the second!

I also landed my first paid acting job, which let me tell you is a great feeling. The job itself involved getting up at 4:30AM (!!!) and being on set for 5:30 for a shoot at...dun dun dun...the Church of Scientology. Yes, the massive blue one on Sunset Blvd. Now, while I am not at liberty to discuss my day there, not until my cheque clears anyway, let's just say "No comment" for the time being. I will however refer you to an episode of South Park called "Trapped in the Closet", and that's all I'm saying about that. More to follow.

After shooting "Speak Now" last weekend I was glad to hear that the sound for several scenes didn't come out as planned, thus I had to head to a recording studio (The Robert DeNiro suite to be exact - which really just consisted of a giant poster of Taxi Driver and a screensaver of the man himself) to do some ADR, as they say in the Biz. It was most fun. I think on some level I've always been drawn to the allure of a studio. Every time I'm on youtube I invariably end up watching my favourite musicians in the studio and it always looks like the most fun thing ever. Apart from, of course, Metallica's "Some Kind Of Monster" which looked about as much fun as a lobotomy. I have to say though that the process of re-recording your dialogue exactly as you had already said it on the day is a slightly odd experience. Especially hearing it played back on surround sound. With that said, it was still amazing.

In further news. I found out today that Wasted got rejected by the BBC. Not the biggest surprise I've ever had and now we're free to hit up every production company in London, and LA for that matter. Onwards and Upwards my friends.

I also finished reading my first play last night - Rosencrantz and Guildernstern are Dead" by Tom Stobbard. I almost did a scene from it in my acting class...thank god I didn't. It is bloody difficult material. However, it is utterly brilliant and I've decided that I have to be in a production of it before I pop me clogs. Most of my goals in life are propelled by an intense fear of death, it seems.

So that brings us just about up to speed, and here's a great song to mark the occassion:


Salute,

John.

Lyrics To Live By

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

(Mumford & Sons - After The Storm)

Actoring and Stuff

This weekend was one of the better ones I've had in my life. I spent it shooting "Speak Now" which is a film based on a play written by some bloke in Chicago. Anyway, I cannot begin to explain how much fun it is actually being part of a film set. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face all weekend. The highlight for me was when a group of little skateboard kids came to a grinding halt upon seeing us in action and practically yelled "Whoa! They're making a movie!". They then stood and watched for the next half an hour, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, bless 'em. Once they realised I wasn't anyone cool or interesting, they soon found better things to do, but it was nice while it lasted.

The entire time I was on set, whether rehearsing, picking the crew's collective brain for information, analysing camera techniques, filming, or just farting around playing jokes on people, all I kept thinking to myself was "Bloody hell, this is the best job in the world!" not that I was getting paid for this particular effort, but people do get paid...a lot of f**king money...to do this. That, my friends, is enough to keep me chugging along.

In other news, I have finally taken the plunge and got myself a Netflix account. Mixed feelings thus far. On the one hand, I can watch any film or TV programme I want, at any time I want, for 8 dollars a month. On the other hand, my productivity levels have plummeted since signing up. Always a double-edged sword isn't it? The best thing I've seen so far is Woody Allen's "Hannah and Her Sisters", which is utterly brilliant in every way. I think Woody has now pushed his way to number 1 on my list of people I would give my right ball to work with. Here is one of many great quotes from that film:

"You see the whole culture. Nazis, deodorant salesmen, wrestlers, beauty contests, a talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up".

(Frederick on watching TV)

Peace,

John.

Stop. Look Around.

Life. Funny old game ain't it? (As my Grandad used to say).

While I do agree wholeheartedly with this statement, I'd go one step further and say that life without focus is an even funnier old game. Being the unemployed swine that I am, having a lack of focus has become a daily problem and life taken on a whole new meaning. It's a coin toss whether I'm going to wake up happy and inspired or hopelessly un-motivated and miserable. It's an odd thing and when it happens and there is seemingly nothing you can do about it.

Or so I thought.


Around midweek, surrounded by piles of food-encrusted unwashed dishes, dirty laundry and Batman comics, a very important realisation hit me like a diamond bullet right through the forehand (to quote Colonel Kurtz). After reading a very interesting book on eastern philosophy, namely: Taoism, I realised that my problem is over-thinking. About the future, about the past, about women, about friends, about enemies, about life, about death, about food, about drink, about what I'm doing right, about what I'm doing wrong, about England's world cup chances, about my head being too big, about missing home, about not being funny, about not being clever, about my car being too expensive, and on and on and on and on and before long you look like this:


Then, I realised that none of that matters. Not one bit of it. Nothing. Nada. Nil. Zip. Zilcho. All that matters is Now; being present and enjoying the fruits of what's directly in front of you. It's so easy to get caught up in that other shite and spend your entire existence reaching for something that you forget what's already there. And what's already there is you. Life's complicated enough, without our brain's constantly clapping away like an over-eager seal. Thus, by bringing the focus back to you, and you at this moment in time - ignoring the past, forgetting the future - you start to feel alive. That's why it's called "The Present", because it's a gift. Get it? I do love a good cliche!

To get even more pragmatic and less philosophical, it can also be defined like this: Say you have a list of 150,000 things to do to get your career moving, as I definitely do, looking through that list as a whole will no doubt be intimidating and send you running for the hills. Or, in my case, to my sofa for a marathon F**k The World / Beer & Cake / "Lord Of The Rings" session. However, if you just start at number 1 on that list and concentrate solely on completing that task, even if it's just 'have a shower', it is infinitely more manageable (and doesn't make me want to pull my hair out and scream "death you are my bitch lover!").

Lo and behold, by focusing on what's in front of me I started taking care of business, one item at a time. If you just do what's in front of you, the task at hand, then the next and the next, life becomes alot more simple and the next thing you know, you're moving forward, gathering pace all the time. Personally I got immediately back into the banality of looking for a job, getting an agent, and finishing my latest screenplay which I've been working on for god knows how long. Funny how that works, isn't it? I've even started working out, one rep at a time (or if I'm doing pull-ups, just one rep). And the good thing is, it's not about whether it will pay off in the future by way of becoming mega-successful or rich or handsome, it's paying off right at the very moment you start doing it, so enjoy it.

Speaking of enjoying stuff, this is the funniest music video ever and is my gift to you (please take extra note of George's "Rat Tail"):



Peace,

John.

The Stonecutter

There was once a stonecutter, who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day, he passed a wealthy merchant's house, and through the open gateway, saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stonecutter. He became very envious, and wished that he could be like the merchant. Then he would no longer have to live the life of a mere stonecutter.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever dreamed of, envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. But soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants, and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!"

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around, who had to bow down before him as he passed. It was a hot summer day, and the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!"

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a cloud!"

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the wind!"

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, hated and feared by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it — a huge, towering stone. "How powerful that stone is!" he thought. "I wish I could be that stone!" he thought.

Then he became the stone, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the solid rock, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the stone?" he thought. He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stonecutter.

Quote of the Day

Comes this week from an episode of Spaced:


Tim: So what happened last night?

Daisy: Well, we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in Twiglets and you punched an artist in the face.

Tim: Shit...I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.

Tunes Currently Tickling My Pickle

* I Am The Resurrection - The Stone Roses

* Who Got Da Props - Black Moon

* Under Control - The Strokes

* Young Love - Mystery Jets

* Gravity's Rainbow - Klaxons

* Fire - Jimi Hendrix

* This Must Be The Place - Talking Heads

* Jumpin' Jack Flash - The Rolling Stones

* Kick, Push - Lupe Fiasco

* Skeleton Boy - Friendly Fires

Heroes to Humanity: #44 - Trey Parker & Matt Stone

In light of the recent controversy surrounding South Park, I feel it's only right to recognise two of the greatest minds to ever exist in the realms of comedy, Mr. Trey Parker and Mr. Matt Stone.

My words will not come close to doing justice to the body of work that these two have put together over the years, or indeed my admiration of said body of work. I feel like everything they've put out (apart from BASEketball, which was cack) is a direct manifestation of my sense of humour on screen, which is probably a bit worrying. Thinking about it they've only really done South Park and Team America...but that's more than enough for me.

As far as the recent "Muslim Death Threat" bollocks that surrounded episode 201, here is a note I wrote the day after it aired:

In light of the whole debacle regarding the latest episode of South Park, I feel compelled to offer my two cents on the matter. For anyone not in the know, basically their latest plot centre's around the hoo-ha caused by showing an image of the muslim prophet Muhammad. Ironic really because almost as soon as it aired, reality reflected exactly the same reaction. Thus they were forced to censor some images and "the network" added additional audio bleeps.

Now, and stop me if I'm wrong here, I'm getting pretty sick of these moral-majority types coming in and sucking the fun out of everything. I get it, you're religious, you're one step closer to divinity than me, you exist on a higher plain because you are devout etc. I just don't understand why people can't just have a relationship with god and shut the **** up. Now, I am not a quote unquote religious type. However I do consider myself spiritual and I do believe in something...as to what that something actually is, I'm not sure quite yet. My problem is that I have trouble following someone (or entity, or whatever) who is apparently is a judgemental, humorless, dictator.

Because that's what these people believe - that God (in any religion) is just sitting up there, never smiling, keeping order by eternal damnation, deceiving people left and right and generally behaving like a prize twat. It's like god is a used car salesman, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that notion. I'd like to think that as an all-knowing, all-powerful, benevolent force, my god could have a little laugh at himself every now and then. I'd like to think that he had the power to think rationally and reason with every single different human's plight...except Simon Cowell, obviously. I mean, watching this latest South Park (which depicts Buddha snorting coke and Jesus watching Porn etc), you can see it's meant to provoke and it's meant, on some level, to offend for offence's sake but the one thing that is abundantly clear to me is that all these depictions are so obviously JOKES.

If your life is based entirely around a faith that it so flimsy it can be torn apart by someone else poking fun at it, it might be time to re-evaluate your situation instead of threatening murder and hell-fire to anyone that dare challenge your ideal. Personally, I am unwavering in my belief that Catherine Zeta Jones is hot. I was sold since The Darling Buds of May. People often say she's too old, she's too Welsh etc. However I don't mind in the slightest if people disagree with me because I am 100% confident in my belief and little could change that...Michael Douglas came close but I still hung in there. That's how I feel about religion. If you believe, your belief should be enough. What everyone else thinks or indeed says or does shouldn't threaten your beliefs...it's their business, just as your thoughts are yours.

So Matt and Trey, keep doing your thing and don't bow to the joyless freaks that try and make life just as miserable for everyone else. I salute you, sirs.

Top 10 Episodes of South Park:

1) Scott Tenorman Must Die - Season 5
2) Asspen - Season 6
3) Make Love, Not Warcraft - Season 10
4) Red Hot Catholic Love - Season 6
5) Towelie - Season 5
6) Quest For Ratings - Season 8
7) With Apologies to Jessie Jackson - Season 11
8) Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society - Season 6
9) Cat Orgy - Season 3
10) Guitar Queer-O - Season 11