Absurd Rap Lyrics: #542

"Tipped over a cow, just for a joke and laughed. Jumped up, choked a giraffe, snapped it's neck and broke it in half"

Eminem - "Get You Mad" (1999)

2 Minutes Of Goats Yelling Like Humans

Sometimes it's the simple things in life.

 

JB.

St. Valentine's Day

Darwin - big softie

Hello and a happy Valentine's Day (or, as I like to call it, listening to coldplay and wanking in your own tears day) to one and all.

These days, Valentine's Day is of course the one day of the year wherein us humans take the time to acknowledge the one we love and all they have to offer. But, I hear you hark, just who is this St. Valentine and what's he got to do with me having to sit through "Dirty Dancing" for the nineteenth time?

Well, St. Valentine was one of those ancient martyred catholic priests (although back then of course, it was harder not to get killed if one held a position in the church) who provided marriage to the masses when the Roman Empire had outlawed such things at the time. Typical bloody Romans. If you want to read more, check this page - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day

Anyway he got smoked and now we all have to toddle off to Hallmark to get cards and flowers to remind ourselves that a good man suffered in the face of tyranny for the sanctity of marriage - holy matrimony if you will - to remain a facet of our society. As a divorcee, I can't thank the c*nt enough. No, seriously, in these cynical modern times, it's easy to write off this day as simply another corporate snatch at your purse strings but I say nay! What's so wrong with taking a day out to appreciate the dying art of romance? Nothing. Nothing at all, my friends. So grab your loved one, swoon them, kiss them in places undiscovered and appreciate the fact that you are one of the lucky ones whom someone has decided to share their life with, even if only for a day.

Oh, and this song will definitely score you a shag.



Love to all,

JB.

P.S. - This day also marks the anniversary of that wonderful day in 1929 when Al Capone took mortal control of depression-era Chicago's mean streets by slaughtering seven members of rival Bugs Moran's Northside gang. So don't forget to raise a glass to that too.

Lyrics To Live By

"And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England where my heart lies"

"Kathy's Song" - Simon & Garfunkel (1966)

JT

I like Justin Timberlake. There I said it. I used to think (obviously given his time with the world's worst boy band) that he was an absolute tool. However, I heard his solo material and was sold. I took untold amounts of abuse from all my mates for buying his first album when it came out. However, six months later and everyone was dancing like a bellend to his tunes - a few of which will be played at Essex weddings throughout the annals of time.

Now of course he is a world-beating, platinum-selling, movie-making megastar and, on some level, I like to think I'm responsible for that. I think he knows that too. Be nice if he acknowledged it occasionally but I you can't have it all, eh?

Anyway, I happened to catch this performance from last night's grammy awards and my man-crush came back in full force. The first song was marginally gash, however the second one is an absolute tune. I don't care what anyone says........

I'm not gay. Repeat, I am not gay. Honest.

JB.

New Poster

For my new sketch show. I did it on photoshop and it took me bloody ages so someone better leave me a comment stating how brilliant it is, or I might go on a rampage.

Cheers,

JB.

Atoms For Peace

Thom Yorke's side project band has an album coming out on Feb 26th. This makes me excited. Here's their new single.



That is all I have to say on the matter.

JB.

Classic Albums: Either/Or

Elliott Smith - Either/Or  (1997)

With his first two albums, Elliott Smith made a name for as a sort of lo-fi, underground god - singing mostly about doing Heroin ("Needle In The Hay"), getting hammered ("St. Ides Heaven") and generally being a bit glum ("Roman Candle"). I personally am at loathe to describe his music as folk-punk, which many journalists have done over the years, but there really is no better description for his early efforts. All the rage, emotion and intensity are there, just unplugged. Imagine if Sid Vicious was blessed with the quivering voice of an angel and voila. There you have it.

His eponymous second album was extremely well received in the indie community and soon Elliot did what all good artists do, he moved to LA for his next album, Either/Or. From the opening chimes of "Speed Trials" it's clear the Mr. Smith isn't quite finished being morose just yet, however for the first time in his floundering career, he began to expand the musical palette beyond an acoustic guitar and some light drums. "Alameda" finds him in a floaty, Beatles-like state. "Ballad of Big Nothing" is possibly the chirpiest song ever written about a vast empty universe, and then comes "Between The Bars" - a gut-wrenching little number drenched in booze and melancholy, which is a lot better than it sounds.

Now, anyone who knows the story of Elliott Smith knows that he struggled quite monumentally with his fame, resulting in a pretty severe drug habit and ultimately his suicide. Sadly, that is also what makes his music so great, for me at least. It's incredibly personal and everything he's going through is there for us all to see and hear. "Pictures Of Me" is another upbeat number about his struggles with fame, "2:45AM" deals with the consequences of him getting beaten up by another human and so on and so forth. There is no-one better at making beautiful music out of what could be considered depressing subject matter. It just pours out of him.

This album ebbs and flows quietly along, changing gears with subtle ease, exploring the depths of the human soul while still making you hum along. Not an easy feat by any stretch. However, it's not all doom and gloom, "Rose Parade" is a lovely little number regarding an annual Los Angeles ceremony and "Say Yes", the album's last track, positively brims with hope, with Elliott repeatedly crooning "I'm in love with the world, through the eyes of a girl". Thus making it all the more ominous that his tragic end was soon to come and the world was deprived of yet another brilliant, unique, ridiculously talented individual. 

If you're reading this going "who the f*ck is Elliott Smith?", sort your life out! I suggest you visit his back catalogue immediately. Starting right here.

Cheers.

JB.

2013: An Absolute Belter (So Far)...

Well shaft me sideways with a blind man's stick, what a January that was. Of course a by-product of having such a wonderful month is the absolute lack of posting on this blog. However, last I checked, this fact had absolutely no impact on the daily life of anyone...so cest la vie really.

You got that right, random plane picture off Google Images

Upon returning to Satan's Playground, after the relaxed (see: eating and drinking myself into oblivion) happiness of being back home for Xmas, life has been a blur. I went straight back to work for a few days, then shot all weekend, then went back to work for a full week, then shot all weekend again, then booked a commercial, for which I had I to fly to Seattle for 4 days, then came home and got royally shitfaced. Santori times indeed.

First off I should report that we managed to finish principal photography on "Starving In Hollywood" - my beautifully insane little sketch show. Thus concluding one of the more stressful, challenging shoots I've ever embarked on. By the end of the second week (without having a day off) I was absolutely, mercilessly knackered beyond pale. However, the experience was completely and utterly worth it as we got more funny material in the can than I know what to do with. I've never worked with more talented actors. Everyone who came in to do even the smallest part was nothing short of magnificent - making already mildly offensive material positively appalling. I'd like to think this was down to the shrewdness of my directing skills, however I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Also included in these two weekends was the most efficient day of shooting I've ever had at the helm of a project. Nothing makes me happier than starting the day with a schedule in hand, utterly terrified at what's ahead, only to then find that everything goes smoother than you ever could've imagined, you've got all the coverage you wanted and you're wrapped precisely when you intended to be. It makes a man realise that he may not be as incompetent as once feared - a feeling that is indescribably great, my friends.

Then came the commercial and a trip to Seattle. This marked the first time I had ever shot "on location" and I must say that it is something I could get used to, and get used to quite quickly. To be paid handsomely to travel to place you've never been is literally everything I've ever wanted in life. Indeed there was a moment when filming our twelfth hour of the first day, freezing my tits off in the pissing rain when a huge grin stretched it's way across my face and I thought "blimey, I'm in f*cking SEATTLE!!!". It didn't help the scene much, but felt good nonetheless. I can't even imagine doing something like "Lord of the Rings". I'd have a permanent woody, I think.

Seattle - they love a good market

Also, I can't begin to tell you what a relief it was to just be an actor on a shoot - literally for the first time in ages. The first few hours I found myself inadvertently fretting about how everything would cut together, or whether we were on schedule, or whether the continuity was working, or whether barking dogs would ruin takes or blah blah blah. Then suddenly I realised I had nothing to do with that and should just relax and focus on being all handsome and hilarious. So I did. Sort of. Anyway, the crew I worked with up there really were some of the loveliest people I've ever come across and the whole experience was one of the better ones I've had. To top it all off, I had almost a full day to myself before I left to go and explore the city. And what a beautful city it is. I can't be arsed to go all "Lonely Planet" and extoll it's virtues here - you want that shit, go elsewhere hombre - but I will simply say, in my simplest Essex slang, it was the absolute bollocks.

All in all, as the title suggests, 2013 has been pretty excellent so far. More to come hopefully. Until then, good people of the interweb, here's a song that I have not been able to get out of my head for the past ten days. Enjoy.

Peace,

JB.

P.S - The Superbowl....pile of shite. That is all.

Dialogue of the Day

"In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock"

From "The Third Man" (1949)