1) James Holmes - You sir, are exactly what is wrong with the world. I hope you get royally shafted up the backside by a man called "Tank" for the rest of your days. Shame on you. You twat.
2) Knobheads - This may just be my unrealistically high standards for the human race, but I can't help feeling that I am almost perpetually surrounded by utterly vacuous dick-people from the planet Helmet. You see, I've had a dear friend of mine visiting from England the past three weeks (here he is pictured fighting off an imperial fighter) and, it being his first time in Los Angeles, it's like seeing it all with fresh eyes again. The results have not been pretty. Examples include the following conversational snippets:
Drunk bellened: "Hey bro, you realise you'd be speaking German if it weren't for us?"
Runyon Canyon Mother: "Wait a minute, Cassie, you're telling me that when you played on Tuesday you weren't trying to win?"
Runyon Canyon Daughter: "No Mom, I just win naturally"
Different Drunk Bellend: "You ever go to Mexico, bro? It's great. You just rent a fucking Hotel Room find a chick and take her back there to pound that shit out" (Note: at this point, I suspected he may be a virgin)
Deadly serious handsome guy: "I don't have girl-FRIENDS. That's just something a guy like me doesn't do."
Girl who just got picked on at a comedy club: "UCB is a fucking racist institution. It just is. I ran out of there. Oh, I'll be making a complaint" (Note: She was white.)
Threatened by English man, man: "That's not his real accent, babe. Hey bro? When you master the American accent then maybe I'll work with you. Until then, bro...."
Coffee Shop business meeting person: "What does branding mean to me? I think branding is the using our name to enter the lexicon of people's lives" (Note: my eye began twitching at this point)
Tour Guide at Sony Studios (after showing us film previews for the first 20 minutes of the tour): "Wow, 'Looper'. Looks like a pretty interesting movie, huh TJ?"
Tour Guide 2: "Sure does, Mike"
ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
3) The Bachelorette
Who watches this cack? More importantly, what sort of message is this sending to the would-be women of tomorrow? Be a morally bankrupt whore, claiming to be in love with not one, not two, but three blokes at the same time, subsequently shagging all three of them, and not only will we NOT give you a rightfully earned bollocking for it, we the people will infact give you fame and fortune! Terrifying.
Also, where do they find these blokes to go on this programme? How do integrate yourself back into society after getting dumped on national television and in the post-dump interview you retort with "she came out tonight and I thought "that's my wife". You, sir, are hereby ordered to go to a remote area to re-think your entire existence.
4) Hollywood
Few days go by where I'm not at least mildly irritated by the old industrial complex of the film industry. However, do we need to see a re-telling of Spiderman? Or indeed a prequel to The Wizard of Oz, or, for that matter, do I need to be reminded everywhere I turn that Batman is out. I swear the head of Warner Bros said to his ad campaign team "Right, I don't want anyone in this town to be able to turn 360 degrees anywhere they stand without seeing a Dark Knight Rises poster." We already know it's coming out. We're all going to see it anyway. Please, don't ram it down our gullets. Thanks.
5) Obama vs Romney
As with all western politics, once again the truth has become a distant memory. What's right for this country and by proxy the rest of the world has once again paled in significance and what we are instead left with are two grown men throwing play-doh at each other and calling one another "poo-poo heads". Well done boys, neither of you has managed to find the higher ground, you are both completely abandoning what's actually important and are once again showing everyone how political campaigns are just cheerleading contests in suits.
I think that's all I've got....for now.
Meows and woofs,
JB.
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