Live at Reading '92

Fuck. Yeah.

JB.

Tunes Currently Sizzling My Schnitzel

1) Poor Boy - Blind Pilot

2) Charlie Brown - Coldplay

3) Sex Prayer - White Denim

4) Guillotine (Swords) - Raekwon

5) Daughter - Pearl Jam

6) Tuesday Heartbreak - Stevie Wonder

7) Let It Loose - The Rolling Stones

8) Caroline, No - The Beach Boys

9) English House - Fleet Foxes

10) I Can't Make You Love Me - Bon Iver

Enjoy,

JB.

Great Reads: 'The Game' by Neil Strauss

Now, I will fully admit that when I first heard about the existence of this book my reaction was "you could not pay me to read that shite"...or words to that effect. Every single time I've seen one of these dating doctors claiming to be the worlds greatest "sultan of snatch" "prince of pussy" or whatever ridiculous moniker they come up with for themselves, I want to vomit until it was all a distant memory.

However, I then stumbled upon an interview with Neil Strauss - this book's author - and saw that he claimed to be none of these things. He was literally a nice, little, bald, average man who happened to be able to get any girl he wanted. I was intrigued enough to go out and make a purchase.

There is no way I can tell this story without mentioning the actual purchase of this book itself. I went in Barnes and Noble, looked it up in the computer, and followed directions. However, as I cringed through the "Self Help/Dating" section I found no sign of this book. I asked a girl who worked there. She led me to the "Self Help/Sex" section of the shop. More cringing ensued. However, still it wasn't there. Was this a mythical phantom book? Were they simply out of stock? No, the answer was that they were unable to stack it on shelves as too many people stole it or sat in the store reading it. I would have to ask at the counter.

So, I mumbled under my breath something like "Yes, apparently you have a book called 'The Game'? Or something, I dunno. It's for my non-existent brother". Despite my embarrassed grumblings, the bloke knew what I was talking about and brought back the gaudiest monstrosity I have seen. A black, leather-bound, bible, complete with gold-trim pages and a red page sach (see right).

I was mortified.

Now, all this led me to believe that as a single man I had reached a new low. Actually reading this thing, apparently stuffed full of expert advice of how to "pick-up chicks, brah" surely meant I had become everything I despise? However, I delved in and within two pages I was sold. Thus followed one of the more interesting reads I've had in a long time. Rather than some knobhead blathering on about how many women he's slept with and how genius his techniques are, Strauss opened with a cautionary flash-forward to the end of the story, where his mentor (the supposed greatest pickup artist in the world) had lost it after being dumped and Strauss had to do what all good friends do in these instances, get him to a hospital and sort him out.

The story then begins and what follows is a true underdog story about a man who went from never getting any girl he wanted (even after touring with Motley Crue....for a year!) to becoming Style - the world's #1 pickup artist. Beginning with a foray into a mysterious online world, then signing up for a 'seminar' with a mythical girl-pulling legend, to devouring information from every guru the world had to offer until he found himself so entrenched in this odd little existence that his entire life became consumed by it.

You might expect the whole thing to reek of misogyny and despair, and it does in part (largely due to the lingo they use - which is in equal part hilarious and deplorable), however what I liked about the whole thing was that rather than trying to be a "How to..." guide, it in fact told the story of a bunch of sweet, frustrated geeks trying to seek out the validation they so desperately lacked in their formative years. Strauss himself writes with such heart and compassion for all of these characters that it truly becomes less a story about shagging and more a story about friendship, loyalty and, ultimately, that existential void that all of us, on some level, are trying to fill.

It is hilarious (particularly the story involving the porcelain twinZ). It is an interesting peek into the human mind, and most of all it is surprisingly touching. Thus proving my theory that deep down, us men are all the same. And nothing will reveal that quicker than the right (or wrong) girl coming your way.

So if you fancy a delve into the stranger side of the human psyche, give this a whirl....just be prepared never to take it out in public.

"How do you kiss a girl? The distance between you and her is just three inches. It's not a long stretch, by any standard. You barely even have to move your body to bridge the gap. Yet it is the most difficult three inches a man had to move in his life. It is the moment when he must concede all the priveliges that are his birthright; put his pride, ego, esteem and hard work aside; and just hope - hope that the she doesn't deflect it with her cheek or, even worse, the let's-just-be-friends speech." (Page 75)

Peace and love,

JB.

Man vs. Greggs Bag

In the battle for human dignity, who will emerge victorious?

I think the faint, girlish yelp tells us all.

JB

The Twisted Logic of The Christian...

This video disgusts me on many levels. One, Rick Perry is one of the most ignorant, intolerant halfwits I've ever had the displeasure of laying eyes on. Two, since when are kids not allowed to celebrate Christmas? Three, what has all of this got to do with homosexuals taking bullets precisely so you can make videos like this?...you absolute cock. Four, if Christianity is indeed what they say it is and Jesus exists, and God exists etc. I'm pretty sure they both think you're a twat. May I suggest a long, comfortable acid bath to sit and reflect on your actions.

Rant over.

JB.

Absurd Rap Lyrics #3672

"Before I buck lead, cause a lot of bloodshed

Turn your tux red, I'm far from broke got enough bread

And mad hoes, ask Beavis I get nuthin' but head."

Big L - Freestyle '98

Given To Fly

If I could sing like this, I'd probably never talk.

JB

Great British Comedy: Father Ted

I would love to have been in the pitch meeting for this one. "Okay guys, it's a sitcom about three catholic priests and a tea-lady living on a near-deserted island in the Irish Sea"....cue baffled silence.

However, in my book, "Father Ted" is one of the greatest comedies to ever come out of my fair shores. Yes, it's about three catholic priests but not as you might think. Ted (of the title) is the over-ambitious underacheiver, constantly pitting his wits against the world and failing miserably; Dougal is the idiot-savant without the savant and Jack is a raging, festering alcoholic whose only dialogue is usually four-lettered filth. And then there's Mrs. Doyle, brilliantly played by Pauline McLynn, a woman whose sole mission in life is to serve tea and serve it well.

All of the main characters are obviously hilarious. However it is in the peripheral characters where real comedy delights lie. Most of them priests. All of them extremely dysfunctional. All of them hilarious. Including Father Dick Byrne - the bain of Ted's existence, Father Finton Stack - A rude, bigoted thug obsessed with Drum n' Bass music, Father Noel Furlong - A raging homosexual (in denial) played by Graham Norton, Father Austin Purcell - the "most boring priest in the world", Father Romeo Sensini - all-time leading scorer in the Craggy Island over 75's 5-a-side football tournament....the list goes on and on and on.

All of this adds up to one thing, an absolutely feckin' hilarious comedy that I don't think I'll ever tire of watching. The scene in which several priests get stuck in the lingerie section of a department store alone is one of the greatest things ever written. Plus you just can't go wrong with episode titles such as "Cigarettes, Alcohol and Rollerblading" and "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse".

Sadly the whole thing is now semi-laced with sadness due to the untimely passing of Dermot Morgan. However, thankfully, his brilliant performances live on.

Peace,

John.

Hiding Tonight

Feeling this one today.

Peace,

John.

Truth Be Told

Well folks, here it is. My first official film. I take this as a lesson in what can be achieved with no money, some talented friends and a boatload of elbow grease. Enjoy:

JB.