C.R.E.A.M

You know what's not fun? Finishing a film that is financed by you. You see, after months of editing, re-editing, editing some more, audio-mixing, fixing things you buggered up and generally doing everything you can to keep your hard earned dollars from pouring out of your wallet, you finally get to a point where the end of the tunnel is nigh. There is light up ahead, filled with all the promise of fame, riches and glory.

My morning shower

However there is one small problem...getting it out to be seen by anyone beyond your family and friends, bless their hearts.

Well simple John, I hear you say, why don't you just submit it to one, or some, of the many thousands of film festivals now operating world-wide? I would f**king love to do that, however there is the small matter of paying the entry fees into these festivals, which is nothing short of extortionate.

I understand that in order for them to exist in the first place, they sort of rely on the funds from people wishing their film to reach an audience. At first at least. You can't tell me however that a festival like Cannes or Sundance can justify charging people 90 quid for an entry. You see the problem that immediately creates? It makes the film-making business inherently elitist. There could be thousands of poor f**kers out there (not unlike myself) who are making great films (again, guilty as charged *smarmy eyebrow raise*) who are disqualified simply by virtue of not having enough chedda stacked. To coin a rap phrase.

It's only 90 quid I know, but the point is that if you want your film to be seen, you've got to get it out to a number of festivals (as with my old pulling days up Basildon on a Friday night, keep slogging away and one of them's bound to show interest), so let's say on average you're paying 50 dollars per festival (which is a good median average based on my experience so far) and you want to submit to 20 festivals, hopefully getting accepted into half of those, you're up to a thousand spons already and there's no guarantee you'll get into any of them. Not one.

So, the point, if there is one - there's often not, to this diatribe is that when budgeting a film (if anyone is indeed ever interested in doing that) then please include money for festival submissions. Lot's of it preferably. I really do wonder what people did before film festivals existed? Answers on a postcard.

Peace, love and filthy, stinking wealth,

John.