Avoid At All Costs

Last night I had the displeasure of watching Paul Thomas Andersen's "Magnolia". I had high hopes for this piece. A stellar ensemble cast, a "genius" director, critics lavishing it with praise, I thought "how could this possibly go wrong?". Well let me tell you friends, not only did it go wrong, but this bloated, ridiculously pretentious monstrosity instantly arrowed it's way into my top worst films of all time. 180 long minutes of actors "being intense", people coping with "life's big questions", and a nice shower of frogs at the climax. I think the last 45 minutes were literally just various people crying. Utter tripe. The low-light really came for me when all of these intensely troubled, deliberately morose, poorly developed characters, in the depths of their despair, all sing along to the same f**king song! Despite being in different locations and totally unaware of each other's existence!! Awful bloody film. Although Tom Cruise was quite good, I'll give him that.

So, unable to regain that three hours (yes THREE) I sat and pondered what the worst films I'd ever seen were. I think I got it down to the following list. In ascending order:

5) Batman & Robin (1997) - Clooney's absolute non-attempt to play anything other than George Clooney...in a rubber suit. Mr. Freeze. Ice-skating baddies. Robin! Batgirl!!! The list goes on. Thank god for Christopher Nolan.

4) Little Nicky (2000) - It's Adam Sandler's worst film. Which is a bit like listing Hitler's worst crime. If you laughed at this film I suggest you go and take a long look in the mirror.

3) Independence Day (1996) - The president of the United States fighting Aliens? F**k right off.

2) Elizabethtown (2005) - I remember watching this film, getting about half way through and realising that I had absent-mindedly eaten my own leg. Cameron Crowe hang your head in shame.

1) Brothers (2000) - Not the recent one with Jake Gyllennhall and my wife, but the UK one made about 10 years ago. My cousin (pictured here giving someone a stern talking to) lent this dvd to me, calling it the "best British film since Lock, Stock...". About an hour in, I contemplated executing him for his own good. Luckily it was a practical joke. This film truly has to be seen to be believed.

Rant over.

John.